How to Write a Letter to Yourself
[Updated February 25, 2024]
I enjoy offering support, encouragement, and perspective to others when they feel out of sorts. I try to do so in a gentle, thoughtful, and kind way.
One day, I realized I also need a dose of the very same kindness when life feels tough, overwhelming, or impossible to me.
So I began to write heartfelt letters to myself.
Why I Write Letters to Myself
I especially find it useful to write a letter to myself when I feel challenged or stuck in an emotional habit pattern.
I can spin out emotionally faster than I can take a breath sometimes. A snippy comment, a lost phone, or lateness can set off a streak of negative self-talk or a stream of nastiness toward anyone who crosses my path.
Is it like that for you at times?
I find I return again and again to the very same well-worn emotional reactions. I’ve perfected my singular reaction style—a mix of hurt, sadness, and pain or on occasion, intense flashes of anger.
In these moments, I’ve learned I need to sit still and go within. When I feel emotionally stuck, I want to give myself compassion. When I feel discouraged, I want to encourage myself. When I find it difficult to focus and move forward, I want to motivate myself.
One of the best ways to do that is to write a letter to myself.
By making my concerns and reactions conscious in a letter, I learn to respond in new and different ways. I’m harnessing neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to adapt and change.
You know yourself better than anyone else. You know what irks you, gets you down, or revs you up. You know your typical reactive responses.
Who can better advise and comfort you than yourself?
A letter to yourself, in essence, contains your heart’s advice to yourself.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”― Sharon Salzberg
Tips on Writing a Letter to Yourself
How do you write a letter to yourself?
A letter to yourself can take any form from a lengthy epistle to a single phrase to a list of bullet points. It could include a poem, a photo, a postcard, or a comic depending on what works for you.
The tone is important. Never beat yourself up. That only brings you down.
I suggest the use of a gentle and loving tone, especially if you have a relentless inner critic. A brisk, fresh, or humorous tone can also work if it suits your personality.
You could write in a stream-of-consciousness style, letting the words pour out without stopping for corrections or revisions.
If you need more structure, consider an inventory of your good qualities, the ones that seem to easily get lost in the fray. You may have lost it this time, but you’re probably kind and compassionate most of the time.
Don’t be shy or overly humble. We need to remember we have good qualities even if we’ve mucked up one time.
Also, focus on whatever personal advice has helped you when difficult circumstances have occurred in the past.
Use one or more of these ideas and expand them until you have your letter.
This is just a negative pattern. It’s not the real me! I can change this.
I’m not alone. Everyone has problematic encounters or circumstance like suffering, grief, trauma, tragedy.
I’ll be okay. This too shall pass.
What’s really eating me? Is there something positive I can do about it?
Breathe!
I can call these people when I need help.
This anger [insert any emotion]only harms me. If I give myself some space, I’ll find a more constructive way to deal with this problem.
I know from experience that it’s best not to respond to this [insert call, criticism, attack] immedialtey. It’s better to let it settle for all of us and approach it later from a calmer state.
Taking a walk, watching a movie, going to the gym [insert your activity of choice] always helps me feel better.
This [ennumerate] helps me to laugh, relax, and let go of the problem or pain.
When I put myself in the other person’s shoes, I gain a new perspective It often helps me see a better solution. What was this like for them?
It’s not fair. But it is how it is. I can find a way to work with this or decide to leave the situation.
I always feel hopeless [insert any emotion] when my pain flares. I will feel better when the flare subsides.
Feeling emotionally raw, irritated, or fatigued [insert relevant state] is an early warning sign I’m going down. If I take care of myself now, I’ll feel better sooner.
I don’t like criticism. But it’s only my actions that have been criticized not my true self. I can decide for myself whether the criticism is relevant. This criticism might be hard to hear. But it might help me become a better person.
In addition to the therapeutic benefits of writing a letter to yourself, afterward, the physical page can become a visual reminder.
Place a completed letter in your journal or any visible spot like your bedstand — somewhere you’ll see it often. Then, it can remind you more than once that you’re worthy of self-love, self-appreciation, and self-kindness.
You can also want to look at your letter whenever a difficult event occurs and strong emotions threaten to overwhelm you. You might want to write another to address the new situation. But you may be able to gain perspective immediately by relying on advice you’ve already written to yourself.
“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings — after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”—Dr. Kristen Neff
Parting Thoughts
We all need encouragement in life. But we can’t always depend on others for a boost. They may be available when needed most. Or they may be the very person who has triggered you.
Decide to be your own best friend. When you learn to write loving letters to yourself, you’ll realize you have the power to give yourself the encouragement, motivation, and self-compassion you need and deserve.
[Photo by Olga Shashkina on Unsplash]
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
