A Classic Buddhist Method for Taming Strong Emotions
Emotions!
We want the good ones. We don’t want the bad ones. Yet we find ourselves caught in the same frustrating reactions again and again and again.
We may instantly blame one another for our emotional responses. I have many times. But where does that get you? Into arguments, strained relationships, and a deficit in your happiness account.
Ultimately, the propensity to respond in a particular way—with anger, jealousy, fear, or another emotion—resides within.
Are you willing to become conscious of and accept responsibility for your feelings, emotions, and reactions?
If you answered “yes” to my question, Buddhism offers an age-old technique for achieving emotional stability. It comes from the 8th-century CE Indian philosopher and Buddhist monk Shantideva.
His technique has universal relevance. It can be used by anyone, regardless of whether you prescribe to a particular faith. It’s a practice I cherish, and I am learning to use myself.
And yes, it involves imitating a log.
How to Interrupt an Emotional Reaction
Contemporary Buddhist teachers still teach Shantideva’s method centuries later. Pema Chödron calls this approach “refraining.” Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche named it “the mindful gap.”
Let’s go back to the source and read Shantideva’s exact instructions for working with difficult emotions:
“When the urge arises in the mind
To feelings of desire or angry hate,
Do not act! Be silent, do not speak.
And like a log of wood be sure to stay.”
And when your mind is wild and filled with mockery,
Or filled with pride and haughty arrogance,
Or when you would expose another’s secret guilt,
To bring up old dissensions or act deceitfully,
Or when you want to fish for praise,
Or criticize and spoil another’s name,
Or use harsh language, sparring for a fight,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.
And when you yearn for attention, wealth, and fame,
A circle of retainers serving you,
And when you look for honors, recognition,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.
And when you’re inclined to overlook another’s need
And want the best thing for yourself
And when you feel the urge to speak,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.
Impatience, indolence, faintheartedness,
And likewise arrogance and careless speech,
Attachment to your side—when these arise,
It’s then that like a log you should remain.”
—Shantideva, The Way of the Bodhisattva
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve added fuel to the fire when emotionally triggered. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut because I felt mortally wounded, self-righteous, or aggravated, sometimes even in a tiny way.
Can you relate?
No one teaches us how to manage our emotions, but it’s one of the most important skills we can learn.
Shantideva offers a simple solution: remain like a log.
What does that mean?
Stop Feeding the Storyline
Shantideva spells it out when he says not to speak or act.
This is not suppression but rather its opposite. Once you’ve created a story about a situation and begun acting it out, you’ve distanced yourself from the original emotion. That’s repression.
We go deeply into stories like:
“That’s not fair!”
“You shouldn’t have been late.”
“You always treat me like I’m stupid.”
But often, our stories are a cover-up for our emotional dysfunction. We don’t want to feel the pain, so we externalize.
A mindful gap allows you to cool down. It gives you space to consider another perspective. It provides time for insight to arise. It can help you stop repeating the same negative cycle once again.
When you refrain from speaking and acting and instead remain like a log in Shatideva’s words, you can stay present with the energy of the emotion. When you drop the storyline and remain in the moment, an emotion will let go and move on naturally.
Science has verified this. In her book My Stroke of Insight, neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor says an emotion takes about 90 seconds from the moment it is triggered until it dissolves.
But you must have the courage to stop feeding the storyline and remain like a log to make this work.
The Best Times to Take a Mindful Gap
According to Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, there are three different places during an emotional reaction when you can refrain or take a mindful gap.
At the ember stage, there can be a subtle response to an emotional trigger. This is the pre-verbal stage before the storyline develops. Most people are unable to catch themselves at this point. However, it becomes easier for people who meditate and come to know their mind's tendencies.
The next place you can intervene is after the storyline has started, but before it becomes incredibly intense.
You can also refrain once the emotion has turned into a full-blown fire. Many people don’t notice an emotion until it reaches this stage. Interrupting an intense feeling and a strong storyline can be challenging, but it’s still possible.
Once you’ve practiced this for a while, catching your response and letting go gradually becomes more effortless. You might laugh kindly at yourself when you notice the same response peeping up again.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to catch your emotions before they fling you into a downward spiral?
3 Techniques to Help You Take a Mindful Gap
What should you do when you take a mindful gap?
The main point is to feel your feelings. Doing so might feel uncomfortable initially. But it’s the only way to heal the pattern. However, it might be best done in small doses at first.
Of course, use caution if you’re a trauma survivor or experience other mental health issues. Check with your therapist first before using these techniques. You don’t want to trigger a flare.
Each time you refrain from repeating the pattern, it loses some of its power. With time and repetition, the pattern will dissolve.
Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche offers these three techniques to help you take a mindful gap:
Tune into your physical body with a sense of curiosity rather than judgment. How does the emotional reaction affect your body?
Heighten your sense perceptions. Listen to the sounds around you. Look around the room. This is like the practice of orienting recommended by trauma experts to calm stress or trauma responses.
Take a deep breath, thoroughly filling your lungs. Then, let the breath out with a relaxing “ah.”
Each of these methods can interrupt the momentum of your emotional reaction, which sometimes seems to go at the speed of light.
Apply the Practice with Self-Kindness
It might seem like emotions control you. And in a sense, they do. But most people can learn to tame troublesome emotions.
As strange as it might sound, you can learn to interrupt disruptive emotional patterns by emulating a log. Just like a log remains still, almost immovable, you too can pause when you notice your emotional response is out of control.
As Shantideva advises, don’t speak, don’t act. Feel your emotions and let them dissolve themselves.
Counteracting strong emotional patterns is not easy. It takes time and practice. Apply refraining as best you can, but don’t have unrealistic expectations.
You’ll probably trip up many more times before you create the habit of taking a mindful gap. Be kind to yourself when an emotion catches you. But keep with the practice, and in time, you’ll be able to remain just like a log.
I highly recommend this article on the “pause practice” complementing the abovementioned techniques.
Sources:
Turn Your World Around, Three Steps for Emotional Transformation course with Pema Chödrön
Emotional Rescue, How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy That Empowers You by Dzogchen Ponlop
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