15 Things to Stop Telling Yourself Right Now
Are you caught up in negative self-talk? Do you have a relentless inner mean girl or critical parent who taunts you at every turn?
Usually, this aspect of your mind develops as a young child in response to messages you receive from those around you. If you had a critical parent, you may have internalized his or her negative messages about you, continued to repeat them to yourself as a child, and now carry on in the same way as an adult.
Even if your parents were loving, no parent is perfect and few marriages are without conflict. Young children readily absorb the world around them, and usually take a parent’s expectations or moments of frustration seriously. So you may still have picked up and internalized negative messages about yourself.
And now, when you make a mistake, it may be the norm to think thoughts like, “How could I be so stupid?” Or when things go wrong in a relationship, you may feel, in a bone penetrating way, “It’s because I’m not good enough. I’m not okay. I never will be.”
As insidious as these critical beliefs can be, sometimes they run like background noise in your mind, so you don’t consciously or fully hear them. Nevertheless, they control your life. They impact your moods, diminish your feelings of self-worth, and obstruct your ability to accomplish your dreams.
You would never say those kinds of critical things to a friend, would you? And if you heard a friend saying such negativities to herself, you would rush to reassure her of her value.
Now it’s time to reassure yourself of your own value.
You won’t be able to stop telling yourself these things “right now.” I used that phrase in the headline simply to alert you to their danger, and the importance of making a start right now.
Yes, this is serious change work that takes time. Most people make a cognitive shift first, but it can take some time for the emotional body to catch up. The goal is to feel fully aligned with new, positive truths about yourself. You’ll get there if you put your mind to it, and when you do it will feel so good.
15 Negative Self-Beliefs to Drop Right Now
Here are some of the most comment negative phases that haunt many people, and some tips on how to think about them and respond in a positive way. Then I share the one cure for all! Shall we begin?
1. I’m unlovable.
The real question is this: Do you love yourself?
Friends, family, and lovers come and go. If you depend on others to feel loved, you’ll often feel disappointed, unloved, or unlovable.
Real love is a feeling that arises within, and it begins with self-respect, self-love, and a willingness to open your heart. Healthy self-love isn’t a nauseating, self-absorbed emotion, but rather a range of positive qualities and abilities that combine to make a healthy, whole person.
If you want to feel lovable, start loving yourself.
2. I can’t trust anyone.
I get this one. I’ve had many disappointments in my life, which have made it difficult for me to trust others.
But I’ve focused on learning to trust myself more. That has helped me make wiser choices. For example, I’m less likely to involve myself with people who are undeserving of my trust. I may make mistakes again when it comes to trusting, but I’ll probably catch it sooner. It’s all part of my learning process here on this earth.
Again, start by learning to trust yourself. Listen to your inner voice and act on its guidance. Follow your gut instincts. Be clear on what’s true for you.
When you trust yourself, you’ll find it easier to trust others, those who are trustworthy. And if someone betrays you, which might still happen because people are psychological complex, you won’t feel as damaged.
3. Other people get more.
Maybe they do. Some people are magnetic and seem to get whatever it is that they want in life. Or maybe they just have good karma.
But instead of focusing on them, focus on what it is you want in life. Outline the steps you need to take to get there. Then do your best.
Also, ask yourself, is it really the person with the most marbles that wins? Maybe it’s not about more, but feeling grateful for what you already have. Check out these gratitude practices from Vidya Sury and revel in all that you actually have.
When you feel grateful for all the goodness in your life, you’ll no longer worry about whether others get more.
4. I’m invisible.
Feeling invisible often means feeling unseen and left out. As a result, you go further and further into your shell.
Instead, dare to be vulnerable and come out of hiding. Start to reach out and make connections with people who uplift you and make you feel seen. Just start with one person. If you don’t feel seen by that person, move on to the next.
And make sure you see yourself. Make a list of your qualities and accomplishments. Everyday, write down something or several things you appreciate yourself for.
When you feel good about yourself, you shine. People will definitely see you.
5. No one understands me.
Have you heard this quote from Dr. Stephen R. Covey?
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
He says that it’s the most important principle he’s learned in the field of interpersonal relationships.
If you feel like no one understands you, try to understand them first. Gradually, see if it makes a difference in your relationships.
Also, bone up on your communication skills so you’re clearly communicating your wishes, needs and who you truly are. Ask people to repeat back what you’ve told them, so you can ascertain whether they you understand you or not. Learn Non-Violent Communication techniques.
Check out my communication tips: 9 Quick Communication Tips That Will Improve Your Relationships
6. No one cares.
What would it look like if someone cared?
Look back on your life, start with the last few months, and identify times when people showed or expressed care. Keep a list of times when someone does something nice for you. It could be as simple as bringing you a cup of tea or opening a door for you. A list like this will remind you that you live in a world where most people care.
If you’re friends are so self-absorbed they don’t express care towards you, it’s probably time to move on. Build a support system of people who do care, one by one. Join a support group like the ones sponsored by Women Within International or The Mankind Project.
7. I’m ugly.
It’s hard to escape this one given the way advertising companies do all they can to promote a singular image of beauty. No wonder eating disorders run rampant in the modern world. People with a negative body image are more like to develop an eating disorder, which brings serious suffering.
Consider what you can do to develop a positive body image, whatever your size, shape, or looks.
And remember, beauty is more than outer appearances. When you feel good about yourself, you radiate a positive energy that no one can resist.
8. I’m broken.
So many people struggle with profound childhood wounds and traumas that have led them to addictions, self-destructive behaviors, and codependent relationships. If you feel broken, you’re not alone.
But you can heal, and there is so much more knowledge, awareness, and help available these days.
Read these posts for ideas:
9. I’m stupid.
Maybe you had a learning disability as a child. Maybe there was a certain topic in school you just couldn’t grasp. And maybe it’s a lie one of your parents told you when they felt impatient or angry. None of this means you’re stupid.
You may not have a genius I. Q., neither do I, but there are many different forms of intelligence.
In addition to brain power, there’s emotional intelligence. There’s know-how, handiness, and being able to get along in this world. There’s creative intelligence, the ability to use your imagination, come up with original ideas, or express your visions through artistic mediums.
You likely have at least one form of intelligence. Which is it? Own it! Celebrate it.
10. I’m not enough or I’m not good enough.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may have tried to fix your parent’s problems either by trying to be better in some way, or acting out to capture his or her attention.
You probably hoped that if you could just make your parent or parents happy, they would love you, spend time with you, and take care of you. But no matter what you did, you could not fix their problems. So you began to believe you’re not good enough.
This may have been your way of surviving in a dysfunctional family, but it’s not a belief you need to continue to hold onto. You’ll never be able to fix other people’s problems, but that doesn’t mean you’re not good enough.
11. I’m not safe.
Sometimes this belief emerges when wounding occurred very early — in the womb or very soon after birth. Repeated shocks can cause a fragile self to fragment and runaway back to the spirit world, which feels safer than the physical body and physical world.
As a result, you may not have been able to complete the first developmental task of embodiment. Embodiment involves developing a strong sense of self that is securely attached to the body, as well as a strong energetic boundary to protect yourself from future disturbances.
This feeling and belief can also result when you live in an environment where there’s emotional or physical abuse. Naturally, you don’t feel safe and may carry that belief into your adulthood.
No one can guarantee you one hundred percent physical or emotional safety on this planet. But you can decide to find ways to feel more safe and secure.
If the wounding occurred early, you could do embodiment practices - actually feeling your physical body and realizing you are safe in this moment. If you suffered from physical or emotional trauma, you could start therapy and explore ways that you could begin to feel safe.
Safety is a prerequisite for all other personal growth.
12. I’m alone
If one or both of your parents were emotionally absent, you may feel all alone in the world.
So as an adult, you may feel like you can do it all on your own, and you don’t need anyone else; thus isolating yourself. Or you may feel like no one will help you. You might have chosen a partner who is emotionally distant because that’s what you’re accustomed to.
As much as you feel alone, you may resist connection even though you desperately want and need it.
You’ll have to push through and begin to develop your social skills, reach out to others and establish connections. But push through doesn’t mean to force yourself into a trauma zone. You can start small and be gentle with yourself as you venture out.
Reflect on what a genuine sense of connection feels like to you, and then try to establish that with others.
13. I don’t belong
This is another believe that can emerge when wounding occurred very early — in the womb or very soon after birth. You may feel like you don’t belong in your family, with other people, or on this earth. This quote from Bréné Brown speaks directly to this belief:
"Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you."
Keep telling yourself: “No one belongs here more than me.”
I shared a sweet visualization I do when I feel I don’t belong in this post:
14. I don’t matter.
“Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another.” – Elizabeth Cady Stanton
You’re a unique soul, so of course you matter. You were born for a reason. You have something to offer to this world.
It doesn’t have to be epic. It can be as simple as sharing a smile with those you encounter as you go about your day, giving someone your full attention, or being a good parent.
15. I’m not valuable.
Recognizing your value means owning your qualities, talents, and abilities. So list them out. Return to the list whenever you feel you’re not valuable. Write down compliments you receive, and revisit them whoever you need a boost.
Have you found yourself speaking any of these negative messages?
What about these…
I can’t do this alone
I need someone to look after me.
I’m a fake or fraud.
I’m a failure.
I need so and so to love me to be okay.
I don’t want to think about or deal with it.
I don’t want to disappoint others.
I want to be appreciated.
I want everyone to be happy.
People will laugh at me.
There are so many variations of negative self-talk, any list could go on and on!
I invite you to pause right now, and make your own list.
What are the self-critical words and phrases that haunt you, demean you, deplete you? Add to the list as other negative beliefs come up over the next few weeks. Then write out your own antidotes to counter each one.
Any time you catch yourself, stop yourself and tell yourself something positive instead.
The One Remedy for Negative Beliefs
In addition to the tips I’ve shared above, there’s one remedy that can work to counter any negative beliefs you hold about yourself. When one of these beliefs rises up, ask the question: “Is this true?”
Most of these negative beliefs are lies. Ask the question, find the exceptions, and start telling yourself, “This isn’t true!”
Even if it’s partially true, for example, there’s one person in the world that doesn’t want you, focus on the positive part of the truth - the people in this world that do want you.
Stop the lies, and tell yourself what’s true.
Your mind is the architect of your life. Every thought colors your experience and slants it this way or that way. You plant plant karmic seeds with your thoughts, and they become the unconscious patterns of your mind. You’ll never have a happy, satisfied, peaceful life if you ascribe to negative beliefs about yourself.
Your Mind Is Powerful
There’s no need to judge your self-critical thoughts or to judge yourself harshly for having thoughts like these. Just notice them when they appear and chose a different thought, a positive one.
Don’t let negative self-talk destroy your self-worth and confidence. Decide to be aware of your mind and the way you speak to yourself. Turn around the negative stories, one by one. You’ll feel happier, stronger, and more confident each and every day.
Your Turn
What are some of the negative things you say to yourself? How do you counteract them? I would love to hear in the comments.
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. Subscribers receive access to the Always Well Within Library of free self-development resources.
And if you would like to support Always Well Within, buy my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
