A Profound Way to Let Go of the Need for Affirmation
Let me tell you a secret. I’m an insecure person. In fact, being a Four on the Enneagram of Personality, I can easily get lost in my flaws.
So naturally, I light up when people praise me. I feel affirmed. I’m okay! I did well! Maybe I’m not fatally flawed.
One sleepy Sunday morning, I found these positive snippets in the comments section of a recent article, admittedly one I had fine-tuned to the nth degree:
“you are amazing”
“powerful and vulnerable”
“raw, emotional and so brutally honest”
A scientist could have measured the degree of glow radiating from my face upon reading these words.
I happily responded to each comment. Then I sat down to meditate, as I do each morning. A warning flag immediately arose in my mind.
“Who is this Sandra who wrote these words and received this praise?”
Don’t Cling to Praise
An excerpt from Darshak Rana’s bio came to mind, reminding me to let go of the praise I had received. Rana says:
“Being spiritual, I believe that my life is not mine. Alone. I am an instrument by which Almighty plays his part. So, I can’t credit myself for writing something good or helping anyone. I am just a Medium.”
He goes on to share his mantra for a peaceful life:
“Whatever wrong I do, I am responsible because I didn’t follow the spiritual principles. Whatever good is being done, Almighty is responsible. This thought empowers me to correct my wrongs by being accountable for my actions. Besides, this also helps me remain grounded.”
I resonate with Rana’s viewpoint. As a Buddhist, I don’t believe in God in the same way as Rana might. Buddhism is a non-theistic religion. In Buddhism, everything comes about due to dependent origination as a result of causes and conditions.
But the principle is similar. If we own our positive actions in an attached way, it blocks our spiritual path and obstructs us from the experience of our divine self.
From a Buddhist perspective, it strengthens the tendency to grasp at a false sense of self, called “dak dzin” in Tibetan. Self-grasping and self-cherishing are seen as the root cause of negative thoughts, words, and actions, which lead us further away from our divine essence.
You can see how attachment to the self leads to suffering when you consider how your negative thoughts make you feel and sometimes trigger our worst behavior.
For example, my over-focus on my own flaws is a form of self-grasping. It doesn’t make me happy; it makes me miserable. As long as I’m caught up in recounting my defects, I remain in the conceptual mind, in the throes of thoughts and emotions.
Whereas, our true essence lies beyond the conceptual mind just like the sky is ever present behind the clouds. The purpose of meditation is to help us touch the sky-like essence of mind.
We won’t get there if we’re always thinking about, “I, me, and mine,” the essence of needing affirmation.
How to Reverse the Desire for Affirmation
How can you reverse this desire for affirmation if it obstructs the spiritual path?
When you receive a compliment or any form of praise, don’t own it. Like Rana, remind yourself, “This belongs to the Almighty, not to me.”
Another way is to offer it. This is shorthand for the practice of Offering in the Buddhist tradition. Offering helps us let go of ego-clinging and the conceptual idea that you own anything.
In this practice, we offer everything we perceive through the five senses to the buddhas. In the same way, we can offer anything positive we receive, like a compliment, to the buddhas. If the buddhas don’t fit with your belief system, no worries. Offer the compliment to all sentient beings or whatever divine force you do believe in.
Offering can be a simple mental act.
When you receive a compliment, quietly think, “I offer this to all sentient beings.” If you receive the compliment in person, you don’t need to refuse it or make a fuss. Just say “thank you” and mentally give it away.
Is this a good idea for people with low self-esteem?
If you have low self-esteem, there’s nothing wrong with using techniques like affirmations or participating in psychotherapy to build a healthier self. Buddhist aren’t against positive self-esteem or a healthy sense of self.
In fact, the Buddhist definition of ego varies significantly from the Western psychological definition of the same word. It means attachment to a false sense of self, which is different than positive self-regard.
Positive self-regard can help you proceed even more expediently on the spiritual path.
Final Thoughts
According to Thanissaro Bhikkhu, the Buddha never said, “There is no self.” Rather, he used the teaching of “anatta” or “not self” as a strategy to reduce ego-clinging, which causes suffering.
In the same way, we can use the complements and affirmations we receive to reduce ego-clinging and help propel us on the spiritual path.
I appreciate the compliments I receive on my writing. You don’t have to stop! Compliments can be a form of generosity, a positive action on the spiritual path. But I find it beneficial to accept compliments graciously and then mentally give them away.
Originally published on Spiritual Secrets
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
