We all long for happiness, don’t we? 

But often our actions are misaligned with our goal. So we end up creating suffering for ourselves instead.

Popular author and meditation teacher, Sharon Salzberg ties real happiness to mindfulness and awareness.

Salzberg has taught Vipassana meditation since 1974—close to fifty years. And she’s written 11 books on meditation including Real Happiness, The Power of Meditation and Real Happiness at Work, Meditations for Accomplishment, Achievement, and Peace.

But you don’t have to be a meditator to benefit from Salzberg’s wisdom. 

Use these quotes as a springboard to examine the assumptions and attitudes that block your happiness. Then gradually, turn them around one by one. As you do, you’ll crack open the door to a little more happiness and then a little more as each day goes by.

And that’s what you want, isn’t it?

“The mind thinks thoughts that we don’t plan. It’s not as if we say, ‘At 9:10 I’m going to be filled with self-hatred.’”

Thoughts just happen due to your habits of thinking and the core beliefs you’ve held for many years. I know this as a long-time meditator myself.

So please, don’t blame yourself for having a negative thought.

But don’t let it slide either.

Negative thoughts can lead to harmful actions, which can detract from your happiness and well-being.

For example, constant negative self-talk erodes your self-esteem.

As a result, you could miss out on a job promotion, never sign up for that dating app, or people please instead of expressing your authentic self.

You can’t control the thoughts that arise in your mind. 

But you can replace them with positive ones.

The more you do, the more positive and self-affirming your thoughts become.

Micro-Actions

1. Watch your mind for a day. Write down a sample of negative thoughts that arise. Make a list of positive statements to counter each one.

2. Each time you notice a negative thought, replace it with a positive one. Do this experiment for 30 days and then review the results. If you see a positive change, continue until negative thoughts become a rare occurrence.

“Mindfulness, also called wise attention, helps us see what we’re adding to our experiences, not only during meditation sessions but also elsewhere.”

Mindfulness means awareness in the moment without judgment.

For example, when you see a flower, you can take it in fully without indulging in a litany of thoughts about it like:

• “It’s so beautiful. I want one too.”

• “Why did she plant it in that spot? It looks so out of place.”

• “I prefer the red variety.”

You may have a thousand thoughts like these in any given day.

What’s the harm?

They strengthen the habit of attachment and aversion, which can instantly take you away from happiness and straight into suffering.

For example, when you want things you can’t have, you often suffer emotionally. 

• You might compare yourself to your neighbor who has a beautiful garden and feel inadequate. 

• You might feel jealous and then act rudely toward her in a passive-aggressive way. 

• You might steal her flowers and when she finds out, lose her friendship.

I know, you probably won’t steal her flower. And this might seem like a silly example

But imagine when the stakes are higher. 

You can see how attachment and aversion can quickly create suffering, block your happiness, and even catapult you into a deep emotional hole.

Even when you get what you want, the happiness may not last long putting you into “get” mode again. 

The flower withers after a few days. The neighborhood kids ride their bikes over the flowers you just planted. You discover it takes a lot of work to plant new bulbs, which detracts from your joy.

Learning to experience life as it is with fewer opinions, judgments, and preferences is the path to real happiness.

Micro-Actions

1. Observe your mind for a week. Write down the extra thoughts you add to situations you encounter. You don’t have to catch each one, but analyze each one you record. Did it make you happy or did it detract from your happiness? 

2. Practice adding less.

“Loving kindness is a form of love that truly is an ability, and, as research scientists have shown, it can be learned. It is the ability to take some risks with our awareness—to look at ourselves and others with kindness instead of reflexive criticism; to include in our concern those to whom we normally pay no attention; to care for ourselves unconditionally instead of thinking, ‘I will love myself as long as I never make a mistake.’”

Loving-kindness is rooted in the Buddhist notion of impartiality, which means to see everyone as another you. Everyone wants happiness and no one wants to suffer—just like you, right?

You may call someone your best friend one day. But if they suddenly betray you, you’ll likely see them as your worst enemy the next.

Friend and enemy are not necessarily permanent states that last a lifetime.

What’s the point of treating one person kindly and another unkindly, when the notion of friend or enemy can fluctuate so readily?

Instead, aspire to see everyone as another you. Treat everyone with kindness. 

Naturally, “everyone” includes you. You deserve your own love as much as anyone else in this world. Loving-kindness practice begins by cultivating loving-kindness towards yourself.

Micro-Actions

• What’s one way you could be kind to yourself today?

• Take on a self-kindness challenge. Perform 30 acts of self-kindness in 30 days.

“If we fall, we don’t need self-recrimination or blame or anger — we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to re-commit, to be whole-hearted once again.”

You will fail. Everyone does.

You miss a turn while driving, adding time to your travel. You hurt your partner’s feelings when the wrong words slip out despite your desire to be more loving. You seriously screw up at work.

Self-recrimination eats away at your happiness and depletes your confidence. Take responsibility but delete self-blame. Forgive and encourage yourself instead.

Learn whatever lesson there is to be learned. Then recommit to moving forward in a positive way.

Micro-Actions

1.  Think back to a time you screwed up. What did you tell yourself?

2. Write a paragraph that outline what you want to tell yourself when you mess up in the future. Keep it in a handy place and refer to it as needed.

“Because the development of inner calm & energy happens completely within and isn’t dependent on another person or a particular situation, we begin to feel a resourcefulness and independence that is quite beautiful — and a huge relief.”

If you believe inner calm, which contributes to your happiness, depends on a particular person or perfect situation, you’re forever lost.

Of course people and situations make a difference in our lives.

But what happens when you lose them?

Everyone experiences loss. Will you crawl into a deep hole, never to smile again?

Learn to sit quietly, go within, and connect with your essence.

It’s always there. It will remain your friend when your lover betrays you, your boss announces you’re no longer needed, and a stranger smashes your brand new car.

It’s the source of real happiness. 

Micro-Actions

1. Sit quietly. Softly breathe in and breathe other. Let you thoughts settle and be present in this moment now. You don’t have to be a full-time meditator to take a five-minute break, relax, and connect with your true self.

2. Make it a habit to sit quietly for a short time each day to cultivate inner calm.

Concluding Thoughts

Happiness depends on your mind. 

Who controls your mind? You do.

Right now you may think, speak, and act out of long-held habitual patterns. But you can apply mindfulness and awareness to change the patterns that detract from your happiness and well-being.

Salzberg’s quotes on real happiness provide a tiny taste of the power you hold within your own mind. They can inspire you to transform mind states that make you suffer and block your happiness. 

But they’ll only help if you commit to paying attention to your mind and heart and switching things up when they go in a negative direction.

Are you willing to do that?

[Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra