Do You Feel Like You Don't Belong?
Do you feel like you don’t belong? In your family, in your life, in this world?
I sometimes feel I don’t belong on this planet. I’m too sensitive. It’s too harsh, too violent, too overwhelming. I never felt welcomed in this world.
Do you sometimes feel that way too?
In his book, The Five Personality Patterns, Your Guide to Understand Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity, long-time psychotherapist Steven Kessler calls this the “Leaving Pattern.”
Those who feel unwelcome in this world may have experienced very early childhood trauma, either in the womb, during birth, or soon after birth.
Kessler says they endured repeated shocks, which caused their fragile self to fragment and attempt to flee back to the spirit world, a place that felt safer than the physical body and physical world.
When this happens, a child does not feel embodied, their first developmental task in this world. Embodied means you have established a strong sense of self that securely attaches to the body, and a vibrant energetic boundary to protect yourself from external disturbances.
So, as an adult you might feel a continual sense of overwhelm. You might easily fall to pieces under pressure. And you might find it challenging to function in the world because you lack a strong sense of your own center.
You might also feel, like I have, that you were never welcomed into this world, and don’t belong here now.
The dominant emotion in this pattern is fear.
Individuals who express this pattern have gifts as well, which can include creativity, sensitivity to energy, and for some, an ability to connect with the spirit world. If you see yourself as a Highly Sensitive Person, this may be the primary pattern you express.
When trauma occurs so early, we rarely have memories of it. And because it’s pre-verbal, we don’t have words for what we experienced.
The trauma might be big, like actual physical abuse or an addicted mother that was still getting her hits. But it can also be subtle, like the biochemical experience of your mother’s depression or anxiety, or the reality that you parents didn’t really want another child.
Let’s Heal the Story of Not Belonging
I’d like to heal these feelings around not belonging. Would you too?
A sweet image once came to me of being welcomed as a baby by “the grandmothers” — elder wise women. The grandmothers encircled me as a baby, swaying and gently playing their drums and other instruments. Their faces expressed delight at my presence in the world, as if they were saying, “No one belongs here more than you.”
The next day, at the health food store, I happened upon one of the workers as I browsed the aisles. She welcomed me in the warmest of ways, as though the grandmothers had tipped her off. That made me smile and appreciate the way the universe reflects back what we need to heal or learn.
It might have been true. Maybe I wasn’t welcomed into this world as a baby. But I’ve solidified the story by repeating it again and again. Research professor Bréne Brown, who studies courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, reminds us not to do that:
“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”
Whatever happened as a child is done. Now, it’s up to me to interrupt this pattern when I notice it taking over, and finally heal the story of not belonging.
If you feel like you don’t belong, try to catch yourself when the story comes up and begins to hurt your heart. What could you tell yourself as an antidote to those false beliefs? What kind of image or visualization could you use — like my beautiful grandmothers — that could help you begin to heal this wound?
Other Ways to Heal The Feeling of Not Belonging
According to Kessler, you can learn how to move out any of the five personality patterns into wholeness. You’re not stuck in your survival pattern forever.
Kessler says the main task for someone who expresses the Leaving Pattern is embodiment. Kessler suggests the following ways to move out of the Leaving Pattern into wholeness.
Sense the body
Develop a felt sense of your physical core
Reach out for soothing
Develop social skills
Return to the body
Recover from episodes of shattering
Dissolve the terror
Strengthen the sense of self
Dis-identify from the inner critic
Decide to live
Express your anger in a safe way
Practice grounding exercises
Connect to you inner core
Develop strong boundaries (psychologically and energetically)
Learn to differentiate between self and others
You may need the help of a therapist to explore how to dissolve the terror or recover from episodes of shattering. But you can begin many of the above practices on your own, like learning to sense your body, ground yourself, and establish healthy boundaries.
Final Thoughts
It’s not unusual to feel like you don’t belong if you’ve experienced very early childhood trauma. You may not remember exactly what happened, but you probably sense a disquiet in yourself.
You don’t have to remain stuck in these uncomfortable feelings and the unhealthy patterns they may trigger. You can begin to move out of your patterned response by using any of the methods on the above listen. Healing takes time but gradually you’ll feel better day-by-day.
Keep reminding yourself of Bréne Brown’ words:
“No one belongs here more than you.”
Your Turn
Do you feel like you don’t belong? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments and how you’ve addressed the feeling of not belonging yourself.
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