[Originally published on Wild Arisings]

I pulled the phrase “a simple sincerity” from Adyashanti’s book, The End of Your World, Straight Talk on the Nature of Enlightenment. 

The phrase struck me deeply when I read it. “This is so right,” I thought. This—a simple sincerity—is what I aspire to in my life. 

Interestingly, the same phrase stunned others in my tiny book club too. Perhaps simple sincerity represents an ease and sanity we all long for, knowingly or unknowingly.

Whether you want to awaken spiritually or simply have a better life, simple sincerity can be a valuable attribute to develop. It’s brought more ease, peace and flow into my life. I bet that’s what you want too.

Here are a few examples of how I’ve practiced simple sincerity in difficult encounters of late.

Simple Sincerity in Action

Simply sincerity isn’t just a Pollyannaish approach to communication. 

It means having the courage to look within when you feel emotionally triggered. It means cutting through all the superficial layers of anger, shame, or fear (or any other emotion) so you can get to and communicate your true feelings and needs in a simple and sincere way.

When I’m able to communicate with simple sincerity, I usually see tension dissolve. Both parties are more likely to feel respected and willing to find a mutually agreeable solution.

It doesn’t always work that way.

Some people won’t respond well to simple sincerity because they’re strongly attached to their own agenda, expectations, or emotional sore spots. And it’s not going to go over well with a narcissist or an abuser.

But for me, it works far better than raging or stuffing my feelings. I can walk away from an interaction knowing I gave it my best and acted in integrity regardless of how the other person responded.

And in my experience, simple sincerity works more often than not. Let me illustrate my point by sharing a recent streak of anger triggering episodes and how I resolved them.

Refund Please

One involved a writer who refused a refund request made within 24 hours of enrollment in his program. An important piece had been left off the sales page, which made me realize the course was not for me.

But said writer insisted it was. Other people, he said, had expressed the same reluctance, but had taken the course and loved it. I will too. And so, he refused to refund my money.

I didn’t want to take the course, but I didn’t want to haggle endlessly with this relatively well-known person. 

After several e-mail go-arounds, I caved and agreed to take the course against my own wishes. That was acquiescence, not simple sincerity.

A month later, the course was slated to begin. But I was ill. I didn’t have the energy to engage in an intensive course.

I approached the writer again with a simple and sincere message, devoid of blame or aggression. His initial response triggered an enormous surge of anger in me. 

I know anger can be a sign of unresolved issues within me, especially when it’s so intense. My anger doesn’t automatically mean the other person is right or wrong. And getting into right and wrong battles has never served me well.

I had to take a step back from the anger and look within. Was all this anger really about his response alone?

I don’t think it’s wrong to feel and respond with healthy anger. 

Healthy anger means owning your anger, not projecting it, which is best done using “I statements.” It doesn’t involve name-calling, yelling, or taking actions to publicly cut the other person down.

In this situation, I examined the emotional trigger on my own until I could respond to Mr. Writer with simple sincerity.

He agreed to refund the course payment. 

A Difference in Diagnosis

Another difficult interaction involved an alternative health care provider who didn’t like the diagnosis I was given by an acupuncturist and adamantly argued against it. 

Just the headache I didn’t need. I believed the second diagnosis was spot on. I resented the time and energy it took to explain the rationale behind it to health care provider number one. And even after doing so, it didn’t entirely resolve the conflict.

Till then, I had felt a warm connection with health care provider number one. Our six-session contract was near its natural end. But now my last session was at risk and it looked like our connection would end on a sour note. Ugh!

I felt frustration and resentment, but instead of fanning those emotions (well, of course I did for a short while), I considered what it was that I truly wanted to communicate. She had said a few things about me that felt off-base and even hurtful.

I didn’t just “make nice” in this communication nor the first. Especially in this response, I said my truth, but without blame or projection. I also shared difficult feelings, but did so with an “I feel” framework rather than a “You made me feel” statement.

Again, it took time to work through my initial emotional response and filter out what I truly wanted to communicate. I was tempted to finger point more than once, but I reworked my response until it was clean.

I was able to come to a positive conclusion with this healthcare provider. She admitted to having missed an important component in my diagnosis, which was probably not easy to confess. 

But I believe that’s the power of simple sincerity. It helps bring down defenses and can allow both parties to communicate more honestly.

Simple Sincerity May Not Be Your First Response

I’m not a perfect communicator by any means. The above were e-mail communications, which made it easier, at least for me, to take my time, think through what’s true for me, and consider what I really wanted to say.

Admittedly, simple sincerity can be harder to achieve in person.

Unsurprisingly, during this streak of awkward interactions, I got into an in person spat with a close friend too.

It was hard. I could feel my desire to be right and how difficult it was for me to let go of my position. It could see, in the moment, that this was a wonderful opportunity to notice where I get stuck and where I can’t let go. Even so, I hadn’t let go when we parted that day.

An emotional residue remained in my body the first few days after the interaction. I wondered if it would stay there indefinitely. Would our friendship fall apart over such an inconsequential thing?

Simple sincerity wasn’t my automatic response, was it? But still, my friend and I successfully processed through our communication fallout over the next week. All the bits of emotional debris that I feared would remain forever dissolved entirely.

I believe this was possible because in our hearts we’re committed to one another and to this practice of simple sincerity. We both took the time to go within, work through our own emotional responses, and reach out to each other with simple sincerity.

A Few More Tips on Simple Sincerity

I can’t tell you exactly how to practice simple sincerity because only you can get underneath your habitual emotional responses, realize when you are projecting, and know what’s true for you. But here are two additional factors and a few introspective questions that can enhance an exchange.

First, there’s compassion. While formulating my responses in the above situations, I tried to put myself in the other person’s shoes. 

“Why is he so worried about the money,” I wondered. Or, “It must be hard for her to have gotten my diagnosis wrong.” 

Attempting to see things from another person’s perspective can soften the intractability of your own response and the compassion it brings can create a bridge to one another.

Secondly, there’s letting go of a desired outcome. I realized I may not get the outcome I desired. I needed to be okay with that. 

Maybe I wouldn’t get that hefty course fee back. Maybe there wouldn’t be a happy ending with my health care provider. Maybe my friendship would indeed fall apart over such a stupid thing.

Simple sincerity isn’t a form of manipulation to get a desired outcome, win an argument, or end up on top.

We can’t control other people — never have and never will. We can only do our part of communicating, as best we can, with simple sincerity for the honesty, ease, and clarity it can bring, nothing more.

Lastly, take a moment to reflect on the quality of your communication. Are there places you hold back due to fear or places you lash out on impulse? Consider what “simple sincerity” would look like in those situations.

Use these questions to help you get closer to simple sincerity:

• What’s true for you?

• What would you really like to say?

• How can you say it honestly but without projection or blame?

If simple sincerity seems hard for you, start with small steps.

For example, if someone asks where you want to eat, do you tell the truth? Or do you acquiesce to their wishes? Or pounce on them because they always want their way? What would simple sincerity look like in this situation?

Start small and build your capacity for simple sincerity.

Concluding Thoughts

Those difficult encounters occurred all together over the course of a few weeks. I must have gotten the lessons I needed on the art of simple sincerity, at least for the moment. I haven’t had another communication eruption in the ensuing weeks.

Not every emotional knot can be untied. Sometimes, there will be a parting of the ways. 

But most of the time, you can sustain your connections in a beautiful way when you practice the art of simple sincerity. Simple sincerity can reduce interpersonal tension, build bridges, and bring more ease into your life and relationships.

What do you think? Would you like to bring more simple sincerity into your life?

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra