Generosity is a beautiful trait, helpfulness an admirable quality.

But giving without attachment is different from giving compulsively from a broken place.

People who give too much often operate from low-self-esteem and feelings of insecurity. By giving too much, they hope to receive the love, respect, and admiration they so deeply desire.

Giving too much has played its part in my life. 

It led to exhaustion. It took time away from my own goals, priorities, and dreams. Eventually, I realized, I could lose my whole self and even my whole life in what I imagined to be service to others.

When instead, it was a repeated attempted to gain external approval and to finally feel I am enough, I am lovable, once and for all.

If you’re stuck in the same cycle, you can bring it to an end. 

A good place to begin is to learn the signs associated with over-giving. Once you do, you’ll be able to recognize when you’re about to give too much, pause, and decide, “No, not again.”

6 Signs You Give Too Much

I learned these signs from studying The Enneagram, a personality system of nine distinct types and twenty-seven sub-types. The tendency to give too much is often connected with Type Two, called, not surprisingly, “The Giver” or “The Helper.” 

Each type on the Enneagram has healthy and unhealthy behaviors. So, you’re not doomed to a set of unhealthy patterns forever.

As you read through these signs, please don’t feel bad if you recognize yourself as an over-giver. It’s not an uncommon challenge as we’ve learned from the co-dependency literature.

You’re not maliciously manipulating people for your own end. The tendency to over-give can be a survival strategy you learned in your early years, your way to easy your own pain.

Let’s look at the signs.

1. You’re relationship focused

People who give too much prioritize relationships. 

You attempt to prove your worth through helping others. So, naturally you place relationships first, above all else. 

You don’t give indiscriminately. You hone in on the main people in your life who are more likely to affirm your wonderfulness. This could be your parents, siblings, romantic partner, close friends, or a boss.

You want to be seen as indispensable to others because your value depends on external validation. So, you give without limits. 

If someone needs help with computer issues, you fix their current problem and a few more things as well. You offer to pick up groceries for your neighbor every time you go to the store. You cook your partner’s favorite culinary delights night in and night out, ensuring he or she sings your praises endlessly.

You engage in reciprocal relationships, in which you receive praise and acknowledgement in return for doing more than your part. Should it not be forthcoming, anger and resentment can bubble up. But you may be reluctant to express those emotions because you place a high valuable on being likable.

2. You have an ability to tune in to what others feel

You’ve mastered the ability to tune into what others feel and need. 

You’ll pick-up even a subtle shift in a person’s energy and will already be scanning possible ways to help. You’ll be the first to ask, “Are you okay? Is something wrong? How can I help?”

Chances are you developed this ability at an early age. 

Perhaps, you gained parental affection by tuning into the needs of your primary parent and making sure they were fulfilled, as best you could as a young one. Maybe you became teacher’s pet through ingratiating behaviors like flatter, perfect obedience, or helping out.

You learned early on that tuning into others and meeting their needs gained you favorable attention. It made you feel loved, at least for a while. 

Tuning into others and meeting their needs became an unconscious habit that now rules your life.

3. You never ask for anything yourself

You’re so busy helping others, you never ask for anything yourself. 

If someone asks you to lunch, you’ll make sure to go to their favorite restaurant. If they ask, “What movie do you want to stream?” You’ll responded, “Whatever you want is good with me.”

You pretend to have no needs at all. After all, people don’t like needy people, so you certainly won’t be one. Deep in your heart, you fear your needs are too much and will turn people away.

This builds up the belief that you can’t be loved as you are, needs, wants, quirks, and all.

4. You adapt yourself to please different people

You’re like a chameleon who changes her behaviors and opinions depending upon the circumstances or the person you desire to assist. 

Because you always adapt to the personal needs of another, one person might see you as efficient while another sees you as a listening ear. If your partner wants to explore astronomy, you’ll learn all about the topic too.

When it comes to opinions, you tell others what they want to hear.

You’re always conscious of the image you present so you don’t risk losing the affirmation of others.

That can lead you to suppress emotions like anger that may be less acceptable to others. And it’s not exactly a prescription for an authentic life.

5. You’re always upbeat and cheerful 

No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer, right? 

You’re always upbeat and cheerful because you need others to like you. You may even strike people as altruistic and selfless. They may not realize there’s a hidden agenda behind your endless giving and constant smile.

You’re the encourager, the giver, the support person. But who supports you?

6. You gain a sense of pride through over-giving

You may at times feel insecure and like you never get enough approval to fill up the hole in your heart. But when you give more than others, you naturally feel like a super-hero, at least part of the time.

Look at how many people depend on you! Look how competent you are! How could they survive without you? You can take on even more!

You get caught in a cycle of inflation and deflation. You sometimes think you can handle anything, bring it on. And other times, you feel completely insecure, inadequate, and under-appreciated.

Over-Givers: Start Here

These aren’t the only signs of an over-giver. And any single sign doesn’t indicate you give too much. See which signs might apply to you and whether several taken together paint the picture of a perpetual helper.

If you’re already nodding your head as you read this piece, you might also be wondering, how do you stop giving too much?

Any pattern that has been constructed can be deconstructed, although it will take patience, consistency, and determination.

Start with these three steps.

1. Recognize when you’re over-giving

As a first step, learn to recognize when you’re giving in order to receive praise, love, or acknowledgement. In that moment, you have a choice to continue the pattern or decide, “Not today. I won’t over-give today.” 

2. Get in touch with your needs and wants

It also helps to get in touch with your own needs and wants. Start to ask these questions every day, in general and in any given situation:

• Who am I?

• How do I feel?

• What do I want?

3. Learn to affirm yourself

Lastly, learn to affirm yourself. That could involved repeating positive affirmations or making a list of what you appreciate about yourself at the end of each day.

Resources for Over-Givers

Over-giving is not necessarily limited to Type Two on the Enneagram, but it’s most prevalent in this personality style. If you’d like to learn more about Type Two and how to reverse engineer its pattern of over-giving, I recommend:

• The Enneagram 2.0 Podcast with Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Pais. This episode is specifically about the Type Two Growth Path.

• The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up: Find Your Path, Face Your Shadow, Discover Your True Self by Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Pais

These resources, in addition to other explanations of the Enneagram, have helped me tremendously.

Closing Thoughts

Many people over-give to gain approval, affection, or affirmation. They may not be conscious of the motivation that underlies their behavior. Indeed, they may even see themselves as altruistic.

Yet they can feel a deep disappointment if they don’t receive acknowledgement for their “selfless” acts, and make them feel they must give more.

At the core of this behavior is the mistaken belief you have to give to get love or approval. But once you know you deserve love simply because you exist, you can gradually stop giving to get and start loving and respecting yourself more and more.

[Image by Moose Photos]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

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