7 Pema Chödrön Quotes for When Things Fall Apart
Whenever I go through troubles, I immediately reach for Pema Chödrön’s much loved book, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (affiliate link).
The wisdom in this book has never failed to soothe me when I’ve felt taken aback by an unexpected turn of events. It’s never failed to bring a fresh perspective, when I’ve been momentarily blinded by overwhelm, confusion, or shock. It’s never failed to keep me from closing down completely, when I’ve felt knifed in the heart.
However the rug has been pulled out from under you—betrayal, job termination, unforeseen loss—there’s likely something beneficial for you in Chödrön’s classic too.
Who is Pema Chödrön?
Pema Chödrön is a beloved Buddhist teacher who possess an uncanny ability to speak to the human experience.
Chödrön’s life fell apart in her early thirties when her husband left her to be with another woman. In an attempt to make sense of things, over the next few years, she tried every self-help book and seminar available to humanity at the time.
Eventually, Chödrön encountered Buddhism and engaged in it full force, even becoming a nun in 1974. Her wildly popular books—more than ten in number—have spoken to hundreds of thousands of people around the world.
7 Pema Chödrön Quotes for Difficult Times
It was difficult to select just seven quotes from When Things Fall Apart; the book contains so much wisdom. I’ve underlined sentences and paragraphs on almost every page.
Here are the ones I’ve chosen and placed in what I hope is a logical sequence that will help you understand why things fall apart and how to respond when they do.
Let’s begin.
1. “Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
With this quote, Chödrön turns our normal view of reality on its head. After all, aren’t we always looking for the happy ending? Aren’t we always looking forward to the perfect time when we’ve finally made it and can rest and relax?
A great deal of our suffering comes from holding on to this false belief in a happy ending—a time, we imagine, when things will never fall apart again.
Society sells us on happily ever after everywhere we look. The perfect life will be yours if you just buy a particular product or follow a certain plan. We pull our wallets out, eager to comply.
Why are we so fooled by this false narrative?
We can see for ourselves, it’s not true. Life has its beautiful moments, but it will never be one endless stream of happiness. Even if you get the perfect partner and the palatial home, eventually something falls apart.
If we want to find any semblence of peace, we need to face the truth: life comes together and then falls apart. This coming together and falling apart is a never-ending cycle in human existence.
When you let go of the delusion of a happy permanence and accept life as it is, you can relax and be present for what’s in front of you. You can enjoy the special moments without expecting them to last forever and feeling forsaken when they pass. You can face a new challenge knowing, as difficult as it may be, there’s something in it for you to learn.
Peace doesn’t come from holding on to a distorted version of reality. It comes from relaxing into uncertainty and change.
2. “Most of us do not take these [difficult] situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”
What do you do when you meet your edge? What’s your addiction of choice?Please be honest with yourself. Is it drugs or alcohol? Cookies or Netflix?
There are so many ways to drown out the sorrow. But as we all know, they only provide a temporary fix.
What if you decided to see every difficult situation as an opportunity or teaching instead? Even the hard ones?
This doesn’t mean we should dismiss serious problems like injustice, racial prejudice, or violence as an opportunity or a teaching.
But most times, you would be better opening to the lesson when things fall apart rather than numbing yourself with your favorite drug.
I’m not saying that’s easy. But it is a choice.
3. “To stay with that shakiness — to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feelings of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge — that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic — this is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves is the path of the warrior. We catch ourselves one zillion times as once again, whether we like it or not, we harden into resentment, into a sense of relief, a sense of inspiration.”
Instead of trying to escape discomfort through your addiction of choice, step into courage, and simply be present to whatever arises in your body, mind, and heart. Soon you’ll discover it’s transitory and will indeed change.
When you’re able to sit and observe, with practice and time, your mind settles. All the loud and bright thoughts begin to lose their lustre and sheen.
You don’t need to suppress a single thought or feeling. Let them all arise. But why follow after them with a train of painful thoughts, only creating more discomfort and distress?
With enough practice, you’ll come to know that thoughts come from nowhere, go nowhere and dissolve on their own if you let them be.
Stop fighting your mind. Just watch quietly. Soon it will stop being a bother to you. You’ll learn to experience each changing moment without adding unnecessary thoughts.
You’re aware and you know, but you don’t have to think about it all. What a relief, at last!
4. “Those events and people in our lives who trigger our unresolved issues could be regarded as good news. We don’t have to go hunting for anything. We don’t need to try to create situations in which we reach our limit. They occur all by themselves, with clockwork regularity.”
Memes on social media tell you to avoid negative people at all cost! Surround yourself with positive people! Here’s a few illustrative quotes I pulled from my own social media stream:
“If you surround yourself with positive people, the sky is the limit.” — Joel Brown
“Surround yourself with people who are only going to lift you higher.”—Oprah Winfrey
“Funny how your quality of life improves dramatically when you surround yourself with good, intelligent, kind-hearted, positive, loving people.”—Simple Reminders
But if you follow this advice, how will you evolve spiritually?
Difficult people, those who turn over your apple cart, provide a chance to practice patience and even love and compassion if you’re able to stretch yourself. These qualities are said to be essential to spiritual awakening.
You need to love everybody, not just your positive friends.
This doesn’t mean you should allow anyone to treat you like a doormat. Nor should you stay in unhealthy relationships. It doesn’t mean you should only surround yourself with negative people. After all, we need positive support too.
But instead of constantly protecting yourself from a single unpleasant moment, see the people who upset your life as teachers rather than as enemies who deserve payback.
5. “Not causing harm requires staying awake. Part of being awake is slowing down enough to notice what we say or do. The more we witness our emotional chain reactions and understand how they work, the easier it is to refrain [from harm]. It becomes a way of life to stay awake, slow down, and notice.”
When you feel hurt, do you automatically lash out in return? It takes a great deal of self-awareness to catch yourself before you do.
It might even feel good, initially, to blurt out your hurt, anger, and pain. But it can keep you in a negative cycle that will only make you suffer more.
The practice of meditation helps us slow down and become skilled at observing our minds. I mean the kind of meditation where you sit still with your mind; not guided meditations intended to help you relax.
You’ll begin to sense the space between thoughts. You’ll get to know your own mental and emotional patterns too. The more spacious your mind, the less likely you’ll be to react in harmful ways.
This is based on the idea that positive actions bring happiness and harmful actions bring suffering. We may not see the harm immediately, but it will come to pass.
6. “Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something: they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what’s going on, but there’s something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.”
Hope and fear automatically come into play when things fall apart. You hope for this, but you don’t want that. If only things could be different.
But does hope and fear really help you in any way?
People understand the problem with fear. No one wants to live in a constant state of fear or anxiety.
Hope has its place in some circumstances. It can keep you going in a positive direction against all odds. Just think of people who have survived a serious illness because they never gave up.
But too much hope, in the wrong situations, can stir up as much angst, anxiety, and unease as fear. It can make you live in constant dissatisfaction, never happy with yourself or your circumstances. It can become hopeless hope when what you long for is unlikely to ever come to pass.
Instead, pause. Relax. Appreciate the present moment.
Appreciate yourself. Whatever has happened in the past, you’ve made it here to this moment. Appreciate all that you are and all that you have.
7. “The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves. Yet it’s never too late or too early to practice loving-kindness. It’s as if we had a terminal disease but might live for quite a while. Not knowing how much time we have left, we might begin to think it was important to make friends with ourselves and others in the remaining hours, months, or years.”
We all have a terminal illness because life always ends in death. And although we’ll all die, we don’t know how or when. Death could come in any moment.
So don’t waste another second giving yourself a hard time. Instead be gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Harshness does not lead to healing. Self-criticism only causes more pain. You deserve better than that.
To Sum Up
If things have fallen apart in your life, my heart is with you. It’s happened to me many times. In fact, a few years ago I lost my home and all my possessions during the lava eruption on the Big Island of Hawaii. I know how painful it can be.
I hope these Pema Chödrön quotes from When Things Fall Apart have give you a different perspective, perhaps even a new way of seeing things so the change doesn’t sting as much.
Here are the key points to takeaway:
Life is a cycle of coming together and falling apart. If you believe in the permanence of a happy ending, you’re only hurting yourself.
Take difficult situations as teachings. You can learn a lot.
Learn to stay present with your feelings. That’s how healing can begin. You might need to start with small doses if it feels too painful or overwhelming.
See challenging people and events as opportunities or teachers.
Catch yourself before you lash out and create harm. You can only benefit from increasing your self-awareness.
Hope and fear come from a sense of lack. They come about automatically when things fall apart. Instead, bring yourself back to the present moment and find peace there.
Don’t waste another second giving yourself a hard time. This life is precious and you never know when it will come to and end.
Your Turn
What do you think about these quotes? Do they help you see change differently? What helps you when things fall apart? I would love to hear in the comments.
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
