No Regrets at Death, Really?
There’s a popular notion that we can avoid feeling regret at death if we live fully now.
It began with the best-selling memoir, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, in which Bronnie Ware shares the five biggest regrets people express as they near death.
For example, the people she spoke with wished they hadn’t work so hard, had been truer to their selves, and had been better at expressing their feelings.
Ware’s book encourages people to avoid the anguish of end-of-life regrets by living true to themselves now, long before their last breath.
The idea has been perpetrated by personal development writers ever since the books publication more than two decades ago.
But is it really possible?
Let’s explore.
The Complexity of Being Human
I don’t dispute the beauty and wisdom of living as consciously as possible. Attempting to do so may indeed lead to fewer regrets as you prepare to take your final bow.
But humans are complex creatures—mentally and emotionally. Your subconscious mind—quietly tucked away from conscious awareness—influences vast swaths of your behavior.
And so, what you consider living fully now may look very different in five or ten years as you mature, gain life lessons, and shake loose a bit of that unconscious clutter.
With greater self-awareness, you’ll naturally look back and regret some of the decisions you’ve made and actions you’ve taken in earlier years.
Unexpected change, which happens to everyone, also has an uncanny way of revealing regrets you never knew you had.
For example, I thought I was leading a relatively happy and conscious life until my marriage fell apart. After a painful separation, regrets came to visit, especially in lonely and uncertain moments.
Regrets caused me to think, at least momentarily, “If only I had made this tweak or that revision. Perhaps, the outcome would have been different.”
I didn’t torture myself with regrets, but I had any number of uncomfortable come-to-Jesus moments. I had erred more than I had imagined and lost what was most precious to me. I wanted to learn from that.
Regret means to feel sad, disappointed, or repentant about something that has occurred. But regret in itself isn’t bad. It’s how you use it that can turn it into either a negative or positive force in your life.
Do you use regret to berate, undermine, and discourage yourself? Do you use it to codify dysfunctional patterns? Or do you use regret to learn, evolve, and transform unhelpful emotional habits and patterns of thinking?
The truth is: You can only be as conscious as you are in any given moment—until one day you become more self-aware. If you think you’re living your most conscious life, you’re likely fooling yourself. Hidden layers will continue to unravel and reveal themselves until your final farewell.
So why expect yourself to meet death without a single regret?
Isn’t it more important to learn how to face regrets, do what you can to heal them, and gently let them go both now and when your final dissolution approaches?
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” — Maya Angelou
Life Continually Asks You to Let Go
Aging constantly asks you to let go. You’ll naturally feel regret when certain life opportunities are no longer possible due to a decline in health or mobility.
I once had a hundred thousand wires attached to my body for an overnight sleep study. It made for a fitful night. I was eager to get home when released at dawn.
I opened the exit door to be confronted by a wide azure sky melting into a vast cerulean expanse of ocean and a bright green directional sign pointing towards the north coast. Upon seeing that sign, an intense yearning for adventure rose up within me, grabbed my heart, and squeezed.
But I knew I could no longer fulfill that overpowering impulse due to my health limitations—at least not through travel escapades.
A Pandora’s Box of regrets opened in a flash. I wished I had gone to the four corners of the earth and back a few times over. Memories arrived of special places I would never see again. I sat with the raw emotion, feeling its traces in my chest, and the wet drizzle from my eyes.
Then I turned the key in the ignition, aimed my car in the opposite direction from adventure, and drove an hour home to my cozy bed. The sadness lingered for a good part of the drive. But like all emotions, it eventually dissolved.
I can only imagine I’ll feel more moments of regret as my life moves forward to its natural conclusion—not less. Even if you were to tick off the hundred items on your bucket list, they’d probably be something else you wished you had done too.
But regrets don’t have to bog you down.
Rather than fear regrets, why not just meet them as they arise, feel them, and allow them to pass by?
Each moment of regret is a chance to train in letting go—a critical skill to have mastered when the your final transition opens the door into the unknown.
“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards” — Soren Kierkegaard
Complete Unfinished Business
Even if you’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness, you’re not dead yet.
As long as you’re still alert and have a modicum of energy, you can make amends, complete unfinished business, and yes, even change your emotional habits as life begins to ebb away.
If you didn’t have the courage to express your feelings, express them now.
If you regret having worked too much, stop thinking about your business or personal affairs during your last days. Focus on your family and friends instead.
If you didn’t allow yourself to be happy, let yourself enjoy moments of happiness now. Watching the sunlight streak through the half-opened blinds could thrill you to no end.
If you need to forgive or ask for forgiveness do it now. If the person isn’t available, conduct the process in your mind or through writing it on paper. Express yourself deeply from your heart.
You can also write a response from the other person if you wish. Continue the exchange until you feel complete. Imagine that a real change has taken place.
Once you’ve completed your unfinished business, it’s time to let go and rest as much as you can in the present moment.
If you feel inclined to think of the past, instead of stirring up regrets, focus on the good memories, your positive accomplishments, and the kindness others have shown you.
The end may be close—a matter of months, weeks, or days. Why waste your precious time ruminating on regrets? This is the time to let go of the past and move forward in peace.
“If you let go a little you will have a little peace; if you let go a lot you will have a lot of peace; if you let go completely you will have complete peace. ” ― Ajahn Chah
Closing Thoughts
I’m not campaigning against Bronnie Ware’s “no regrets” approach. The more you can live a life that’s true to yourself, the better.
But any person’s life is a mix of conditioned behaviors, unconscious drives, and external changes one cannot control with a wee bit of self-awareness thrown in.
So understandably, as your self-awareness grows, you’ll look back on your life and sometimes think, “What! I wish I hadn’t done that!”
But you don’t have to get stuck in regret forever. Use regrets as stepping stones to become a better person.
As the end of your life nears, do what you can to heal regrets and then let them go. If you want to die peacefully, instead of ruminating about regrets, choose to live your last days in the present moment.
Appreciate whatever sparkles of beauty, joy, and love come your way. And if you’re up to it, generate a few yourself.
[Photo by Mustafa ezz on Pexels]
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