Never Invalidate Someone's Trauma
People who experience trauma often feel shame, self-blame, and worthlessness—even though the initiating event was entirely out of their control.
It doesn’t help and can even be emotionally harmful when others invalidate their initial traumatic experience, and current reactions to unexpected trauma triggers.
For example, a trauma survivor might be told:
It wasn’t all that bad, when it was
You’re okay now, when they don’t feel okay
You’re too sensitive, when that’s not true or relevant
And a whole slew of people won’t believe you as we often witness in high profile sexual assault cases. The same happened to me after our landlord kissed me unexpectedly around the age of ten—my parents didn’t believe me.
When I refer to trauma, however, I don’t mean violence against women alone.
Psychological trauma can also occur in response to natural disasters, combat, childbirth, car accidents, and other challenging, overwhelming and terrifying events.
Complex trauma can occur in response to multiple traumas or prolonged trauma as seen in childhood abuse, domestic abuse, sex trafficking, and community violence.
Developmental trauma can occur when a parent is unable to attune to a child’s developmental needs during their early years.
How can we combat the invalidation of trauma? People need to know that trauma is a normal biological event.
Trauma Is a Normal Biological Reaction
Trauma can be a seriously de-stabilizing experience.
According to Harvard Public Health, a third of the population may be experiencing traumatic stress. The UK National Health Service (NHS), says one in three people develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after a severe trauma.
That’s a lot of people, isn’t it? Millions.
Trauma may also be on the rise as natural disasters increase and a multitude of refugees flee their home countries due to persecution, war, hunger, and other overpowering factors.
To respond sensitively and responsibly to trauma, we need to realize that trauma is a normal biological occurrence, not a personal weakness.
Trauma engages the autonomic nervous system, which is considered largely involuntary.
During a traumatic experience, your body goes into fight, flight or freeze mode long before you can form a coherent thought. Parts of your body amp up and parts of your body shut down, like this:
“During times of stress or challenge, the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) arouses and prepares the body for action. It directs the adrenal glands to release stress hormones (e.g., adrenaline and noradrenaline), readying the body to take action. The SNS causes the liver to provide extra sugar to the bloodstream in order to increase energy; it also increases breathing to provide extra oxygen. The SNS diverts blood from the internal organs to the muscles, slowing digestion and suppressing the immune system. Along with increased heart rate and blood pressure, this gets the blood to the much-needed muscles, making it easier for the body to move and to move quickly. The SNS dilates the pupils, allowing in more light; it decreases salivation, but increases perspiration in order to cool down the activated body.”—The Community Resiliency Model, Trauma Resource Institute
The sympathetic nervous system has its counterpart in the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which calms the body. But the PNS won’t kick in until your fight or flight response has been successful.
I didn’t think about deep breathing when I was pinned down on my bed by a stranger who had broken into my home. Terrified, I couldn’t believe what was happening. I tried to deflect the experience by asking questions like, “Is this a joke? Who are you?”
But my primed muscles pushed me into action the minute the assailant suddenly removed his body from mine. I didn’t plan my response. When he went for the side door, my body automatically jumped up and raced toward the front door. I flung the door open and ran directly into several policemen with raised firearms.
My SNS stayed stuck on high for the next year. I woke up every single night at the same time as the attack had taken place, reliving the experience. I jumped at every unexpected noise, even the sound of the wind blowing leaves along the ground could feel like a threat.
This attack occurred long before the emergence of modern trauma healing modalities like Somatic Experiencing (SE) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR). I was on my own and my recovery took years.
Once we know trauma is by and large an involuntary biological response, we can stop invalidating trauma survivors. We can support them instead, but on their own terms in order to help them regain their power.
Some People Are More Susceptible to Trauma
Some people are more resilient to trauma while others are more susceptible to it. If you’re more susceptible to trauma, it doesn’t mean you’re a weak person. Your brain may be wired differently or you may have had different life experiences.
Trauma exists on a spectrum. If you don’t qualify for a full-on diagnosis of PTSD, it doesn’t mean you’re trauma-free. But research on susceptibility is done within the frame of PTSD, which is why it enters the conversation at this point.
It’s not fully known why some people develop PTSD and others don’t. But we do have some knowledge on the topic, which pinpoints the following risk factors for PTSD:
Being female (makes sense because women are more likely to be the victims of rape and domestic abuse)
Experiencing childhood trauma
Severe and repeated trauma
Being a refugee or asylum seeker
A history of mental health or substance abuse issues
High risk jobs like police officers, fire fighters, and military service
It might be automatic for people who are more resilient to trauma to assume everyone should be like them. Hence, they may downplay another person’s trauma and promote the “stiff upper lip” approach to whatever happens in life.
Or people may dismiss trauma in order to protect what they treasure. I followed a spiritual teacher who was later revealed as a serial abuser. He emotionally, physically, and sexually abused people in his inner circle.
Those who remained with the teacher systematically invalidated those who had been traumatized by him. They believed his every action was born of crazy wisdom and scoffed at the mention of trauma as if it couldn’t possibly have occurred.
The dismal of trauma however can become traumatic invalidation when it is severe, continuous, and damages your self-esteem.
If you’re more susceptible to trauma, you can increase your resilience through specific techniques. If you’re already more resilient to trauma, please have compassion for those who aren’t.
Closing Thoughts
Trauma is real. It’s a normal biological reaction to an overwhelming or terrifying event, not a human weakness.
Some people are more resilient to trauma. Some are more susceptible to it. If you’re fortunate to be the resilient type, don’t assume everyone else is just like you.
In fact, some people are more susceptible to trauma for a long list of reasons that can include the experience of childhood trauma, genetics, or being a refugee.
We live in a world where trauma has become more commonplace due to unending natural disasters, increasing numbers of refugees fleeing their home countries, and the experience of a worldwide pandemic.
Wouldn’t it be best to raise our trauma awareness and extend our love and compassion to those who have suffered so much?
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
