5 Qualities That Will Increase Your Equanimity
We all want to be more mentally and emotionally steadfast, don’t we?
But the truth is, many of us entered adulthood less than emotionally mature.
We never learned how to handle our wayward thoughts or difficult emotions in childhood. So, naturally, we brought our dysfunctional patterns along into adulthood.
How could it be otherwise?
These patterns manifest differently for every single person. But if you’re on the insecure side like me, you might:
Constantly feel at odds with yourself.
Find your interpersonal relationships fraught with conflict.
Feel trapped at work, but lack the confidence to pursue your dreams.
All the while, your inner mean girl or guy reinforces your patterns with a constant stream of negative messages.
You can however, lift yourself out of the vortex.
I’ve found a good place to start is to imagine how you want to be. What would it look like to feel more mental and emotional steadiness? You could also explore the traits of emotionally mature adults because maturity naturally brings equanimity.
Once you have a clear vision of the qualities you want to embody, get started on cultivating them one small step at a time. That’s how I’ve approached it.
If you commit to doing so, in a few years time, things that once threw you into a spin will roll right off your back.
To help you get started, let’s look at some of the traits of emotionally mature individuals together.
Remember, these qualities reside on a spectrum. You don’t have to get to one hundred percent to feel better. Even a five percent difference is a remarkable shift and will motivate you to keep going.
1. Maintains A Nonjudgemental Attitude
Emotionally mature individuals don’t waste their time judging others. They stay centered in themselves.
They understand that everyone wants to be happy. And no one wants to suffer. But in reality, most people consistently engage in activities that are at odds with this aim and end up causing suffering for themselves and others instead.
While an emotionally mature person finds this sad, they know one day, given the right circumstances, people can suddenly turn themselves around.
They appreciate:
Everyone has their own path.
Everyone grows at their own speed.
Everyone grows only when they’re ready, not before.
They’re willing to help when asked and will respond to a reasonable request. But otherwise, they don’t interfere with or judge the lives of others.
“People who are hurting don’t need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. What we need are patient, loving witnesses. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. People to stand in helpless vigil to our pain.”—Glennon Doyle
2. Doesn’t Take Things Personally
Emotionally mature people have positive self-esteem. They know who they, so they aren’t easily bowled over by a personal attack.
They know whatever someone does or says is more often about them. Instead of reacting, an emotionally mature person will pause and ask themself, “Is this really about me or is it about the other person?”
They don’t take on what’s not theirs.
One the other hand, they’re open to and curious about genuine feedback. They’re willing to make appropriate changes in response to constructive criticism if they find it contains value.
“When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don’t take things personally.”—Don Miguel Ruiz
3. Avoids Negative Self-talk
We’re all tempted to engage in negative self-talk from time to time, especially when disappointments occur. But emotionally mature adults avoid doing so or if they do, they catch themselves quickly and move on.
They know negative self-talk can adversely affect your mood, decrease your feelings of self-worth, and detract from your ability to move forward toward your dreams.
Instead, they encourage themselves. They’re more likely to give themselves positive messages like:
Keep going. You’re doing great.
I’ll keep trying. I know I’ll eventually succeed.
I can handle this. I’ll find a way around this obstacle.
Just learning to talk to yourself kindly can remove so much angst from your life.
“Self-critical thoughts and detrimental predictions about yourself have a huge impact on our mood/feelings. It affects our attitude, decisions and behavior. They ensure our self-esteem stays low and can create physical illnesses.” — Maddy Malhotra
4. Sets Healthy Boundaries
Emotionally mature individuals know they have a fundamental right to protect their time, energy, and space as well as their person.
They’re well aware of what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behavior. And so, they don’t allow other people to control, manipulate, harm, or abuse them.
An emotionally mature person doesn’t hesitate to depart a situation that doesn’t feel right or to ask a person to leave their space if he or she acts inappropriately.
Emotionally mature people feel comfortable saying no. They do so in a kind and clear way. Instead of constantly giving their time away, they keep their personal goals in sight and give them highest priority.
“No is a complete sentence and so often we forget that. When we don’t want to do something we can simply smile and say no. Early on my journey I found developing the ability to say no expanded my ability to say yes and really mean it.”—Susan Gregg
5. Owns Their Emotions
Emotionally mature adults don’t project their emotions on others.
When they have an emotion, they say: “I feel sad (or angry or scared or happy).”
They don’t say: “You made me feel sad.”
They take responsibility for their own feelings. They realize that “I” statements help them tune into their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and values. Thus, they use “I” statements as a way to understand and empower themselves.
They avoid “you” statements, knowing they can feel like an attack and amplify conflict instead of calming it.
They also don’t deny, suppress, or minimize their feelings. Doing so means living insincerely, which leads to a false life. They don’t bottle up their emotions either, which can lead to later explosions and cause more harm.
Emotionally mature people aren’t afraid of their emotions. They’re willing to face them honestly and listen to the messages they bring.
“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ― Oscar Wilde
Closing Thoughts
One way to become more emotionally and mentally steadfast is to emulate the qualities of emotional mature people.
I’ve shared the merits of these five qualities:
A Non-Judgemental Attitude
Not Taking Things Personally
Avoiding Negative Self-talk
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Owning Your Emotions
But there are many others you could focus on in addition to or instead of these.
So, take a moment and imagine what it would look like to feel emotionally and mentally steadfast or emotionally mature. Then make a list of the qualities that come to your mind.
Begin to emulate them and before long you’ll no longer be perturbed by what used to ruffle your feathers every single time.
[Photo by Samson Katt on Pexels]
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
