How I Learned to Deal With Everything After My Gray Divorce
Divorce can be hard at any age.
But if you’re an older woman subject to a gray divorce, meaning a split after 50, chances are you took home economics in high school, not woodworking.
While I didn’t excel at home economics, I surely did not have a penchant for the manual, mechanical, or electrical at any time in my life.
My ex-husband took care of all our practical matters from taxes to renovations to computer problems.
But after my 25-year marriage came to an unexpected end, I suddenly had to take care of everything.
I had no experience, training, or appetite for this new role. I had a brain that filed all boring, mundane, or hands-on work in a black hole unless it became an unavoidable emergency.
But I had no choice. Things broke. I had to take care of them.
Gradually, very gradually, with one small victory and then another, I realized I could learn to do almost anything. And if I couldn’t do it myself, I could get the knowledge I needed to hire the right person for the job.
With each success, I felt a little more accomplished, a little more empowered.
My ceiling issues illustrate how I stumbled along, picked things up as I went, and the life lessons I learned along the way. You might find a useful tip or two in the story of my ceiling repairs.
Lesson 1: Be Gentle with Yourself
Ceiling cracks loomed over me for a few years.
I discovered the first crack while relaxing on the couch, talking to my older sister on FaceTime. I glanced up and almost went into shock. How could this happen in my relatively new home?
I didn’t know what to do. Who repairs ceiling cracks? How do you find the person? How do you know who to trust?
I pondered these questions for several days that extended into weeks and then slipped into months.
I finally got up the courage to call the contractor who built my home. The one-year home warranty no longer applied. But surely he would come to the aid of helpless little me, right?
It took three calls to get a callback. He promised to come by and take a look. But he never showed. It wasn’t the first time and I knew I couldn’t depend upon him.
But honestly, I wanted him to rescue me and fix it all like a substitute husband. Then I could go back to my princess existence. But no such luck.
What now? I had no clue. Homes were being thrown up in my housing division at breakneck speed. Even if I could figure out who to call, I felt certain all skilled workers were booked out to infinity.
I took the logical next step: procrastination.
Lesson: I have a strong inner critic. However, I decided not to judge myself and my tendency to procrastinate when I felt uncertain or overwhelmed. I already felt emotionally torn apart by my divorce. I didn’t need my inner critic beating me up at the same time.
Lesson 2: See Problems As Opportunities
It wasn’t just a single crack. When I looked from the other direction, I saw another crack along the adjacent tape where the two sides of the vaulted living room ceiling met. I also found smaller cracks in the bedroom ceilings.
You may not know it, but newly constructed houses settle. Ceiling cracks can result as they do. Or the workers who taped your drywall went too fast and didn’t use enough mud.
An online search is often my first line of attack when a problem occurs.
I’ve learned what causes ceiling cracks, how to unclog a drain with natural ingredients, how to replace the battery in my car key fob, and more online. You can learn almost anything on the Internet.
Guys aren’t born with fix-it DNA. Society expects them to take up the handyman role. So most do. They learn through experience. Just like them, you can learn too.
Lesson: I began to see each problem as an opportunity to build my knowledge base via the Internet. Once I knew how to tackle a problem, it was easy the second time around. As my knowledge base expanded, I grew more confident.
After the failure with my contractor, I felt lost again. But one day, I realized the contractor building the house across the street was a friend of a friend.
It’s not easy for me to ask for help. But now, I could at least say, I know so and so. I put on my big girl pants and marched across the street to talk to him.
I asked him to look at my ceiling and he did! He promised to email me a list of people who specialize in taping. But no email appeared in my inbox. After a week, I sent a gentle reminder. I received the list within a few days. Persistence pays!
Lesson: Most people want to assist you if the ask isn’t too big. I learned to encourage myself, move through my resistance, and ask for help.
Lesson 3: Drop Preconceptions
I didn’t pick up the phone the next day and dial the numbers on the list. But eventually, I did. I received a call back in less than 24 hours and an appointment for an estimate the very next day.
I worried the repairs would be in the thousands. But thankfully it was under four digits. I liked the vibe of this tradesman too—quiet, kind, and thoughtful. He completed the job in two days.
He told me that building-related work can be inconsistent for union workers. They often pick up work on the side to fill the gaps.
Lesson: I had many preconceived notions about the project. I thought it would be expensive. I thought it would be difficult. I thought all tradespeople would be too busy to take on a small job. My preconceptions fed my procrastination. I learned to check my preconceptions at the door and find out the real facts of the matter. And as it turns out, the things I put off usually end up far easier than I imagined.
Lesson 4: Reach Out to Experts
Paint came next. The person who did the taping repairs arranged a painter for me at a reasonable price. But I needed to get the paint.
Easy-peasy, I thought since I knew the brand. But when I called the company’s free customer care line, I realized it wouldn’t be as simple as I imagined.
Will the ceiling need to be primed? Will one coat be sufficient? Which grade of paint will be best for my ceiling? How many cans will I need?
I talked to the customer care team no less than three times. They were kind, patient, and knowledgeable.
I knew my bid likely did not cover two coats of paint, but the areas that had been repaired would need to be primed. I wanted a solution that would mean less work for the painter.
After talking to customer care, I chose a higher, one-coat grade of paint specifically for ceilings. It’s white without undertones making it neither warm nor cool—perfect. It’s not a bright white and it’s similar to the original white used on the ceiling—perfect. It will cover the light grey portions of the ceiling with one coat too—perfect.
It’s hard to get this depth of information from the clerks in the paint department of a big box hardware store. By taking the time to reach out to experts, I believe I made a good paint choice, one that will avert poor coverage or misunderstandings with the painter.
Lesson: Reaching out to experts has saved me time, money, and mistakes. It expands my knowledge base as well.
Concluding Thoughts
After a gray divorce, you’ll suddenly be responsible for everything when it comes to your life and your domicile. It can feel overwhelming, intimidating, and impossible if you have little experience.
The lessons I learned from repairing the cracks in my ceiling prove relevant to everything from taxes to repairs to new purchases.
They include:
Be gentle with yourself. This is new territory. Self-encouragement works and feels better than an inner critic who never shuts up.
See each problem as an opportunity to build your expertise. Doing so helps to minimize the resistance. And each victory—however small—builds your confidence.
Ask for help. Most people want to help if the ask isn’t too big.
Reach out to experts. It can save you time and energy, and help you avert mistakes.
Have I fallen in love with managing my domicile and my life? Not at all. The princess in me would rather read, write, or meditate.
But I’ve learned I’m not half bad at practical tasks once I set my mind to getting them done.
If you’re in a similar situation, I want to cheer you on. You can do this too! And once my ceiling is painted next weekend, I’m sure I’ll look like the woman in the image above—all smiles and gazing up in wonder and awe.
[Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels]
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
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