3 Life Rules That Help Me Feel Secure, Worthy, and Confident
The word “rule” might sound rigid, but let me explain.
Life rules are like personal boundaries, which are important because they allow in the good and filter out the harmful.
You probably set boundaries with other people. But have you considered that you need to set boundaries with yourself too?
Because we all have misbehaving parts!
Whatever you label them, wounded child, inner critic, perfectionist, they don’t have your best interest at heart. For example, one part may long for intimacy, but another fears it and blocks you from your deepest desire.
None of these parts are “bad.” They evolved for a good reason, most likely to protect you as a child from unwanted hurt.
But they don’t serve you as an adult. So, do you really want your wounded, driven, or self-doubting parts running the show?
You don’t have to destroy them. You can listen to them. You can love them.
But to lead a happier and healthier life, you need to set clear limits with your misbehaving parts. I call these limits “life rules” because that phrase has weight. It shows, I’m taking the reins back. My adult is in charge.
I especially need life rules to keep insecurity, self-doubt, and emotional reactivity at bay. If that resonates for you, check out my life rules and see if they might work help you feel more confident too.
1. Less Self-Criticism | More Self-Appreciation
A part of me feels inadequate and unlovable. This belief became entrenched at an early age. Then it was strongly reinforced during a traumatic period of my adult life.
As a child, I sometimes pulled petals, one by one, off a flower, reciting, “They love me, they love me not.” I fantasized about getting kidnapped or developing a serious illness. That would show them! That would make my parents love me at last.
Then, as an adult, I worked closely with a charismatic and as it turned out, narcissistic spiritual leader. He constantly criticized me (and others). He would literally spend an hour going over and over a single mistake you had made. He didn’t hesitate to humiliate you in front of your coworkers or even in front of the whole community—hundreds of people.
This further reinforced my feelings of inadequacy. I lost any measure of confidence I had and became terrified of making a mistake. I also internalized his critical style, which made my inner mean girl even meaner.
As you can see, I had a lot to unravel, once I woke up and became aware of my self-critical tendency. That’s why I instituted the “less self-criticism” life rule. I won’t say “no self-criticism” because honest self-evaluation can be helpful when done from time to time with self-kindness and self-love.
My aim with this rule is to notice self-criticism and challenge its veracity. When I catch myself in a self-critical mode, I remind myself that I am good enough and even better. I find ways to soothe, respect, and love myself.
Don’t let self-criticism keep you in a place of low self-esteem. You are valuable, worthy, and lovable.
“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” — Pema Chödrön
2. Less Emotional Reactivity | More Detachment
As a child, I was often told, “Don’t be so emotional.”
I grew up as an extra-sensitive person who took things personally. As an adult, I could easily whip my emotions into a self-abusive storm.
There’s nothing wrong with emotions. Ideally, you feel them and let them go. But I could fall into intense emotional states like sadness, hopelessness, or regret and stay there for days.
Now I use mindfulness to notice an emotion, feel it, let it inform me, and then let it go.
For example, after months of contentment, I recently fell into a spate of depression, boredom, and loneliness. I could feel my inner mean girl wanting to get into the act too. She tried to tell me my life is tiny, miserable, and worthless.
But I looked for the message that might be contained in these darker emotions. As a result, I realized I need to switch up my life a bit. In particular, I need to slow down, take a step back, and allow more space for integration.
Now, I’m back to feeling contented, blessed, and excited too.
This process—notice the emotion, feel it, let it inform me, let it go—occurred over a few weeks’ time. I hope to gradually accelerate the process.
I will always be a deeply emotional person. But I don’t need to make myself suffer unnecessarily but making my emotions more intense than they need to be. That’s why I employ this life rule.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” — Pema Chödrön
3. Less Fault-Finding | More Appreciation
Maybe it’s the influence of my Virgo astrological sign, but I can easily get stuck on what’s missing or find fault with current circumstances instead of appreciating all that I have now.
I can fall into thinking I was happy “then” but I’m missing this and that in my life now. Or I’ll be okay in the distant future when I accomplish, receive, or have x, y, or z.
When I notice myself longing for an idealized situation from the past or imagined future or finding fault with myself or others, I use it as a reminder to focus on the positive. I practice seeing the good in myself, in others, and in my life now.
I also use it as a prompt to re-institute a more regular gratitude practice. That gratitude practice includes making a list of the ways I appreciate the good I have done and am on any given day.
For example, I make a list each day like this:
I appreciate myself for taking a break today.
I appreciate myself for going deeper in therapy.
I appreciate myself for getting the tools I need to clean my windows.
If I go into fault finding more, I also check to be sure I’ve set realistic expectations of myself or another.
This life rule helps stay out of negative places and lifts me into more positive emotional states.
“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” — Pema Chödrön
Closing Thoughts
Most of us have misbehaving parts that want to run our life. It could be constant self-doubt, a streak of perfectionism, or the drive to succeed at all costs.
If you want to be happy and healthy, you have to take back the reins from these wounded parts and get in charge of your life. One way to do that is to create your own set of life rules.
While the word “rule” might sound stern, these guidelines are simply personal boundaries that let in the good and filter out the potentially harmful.
Insecurity has been my inner nemesis. So, I created life rules to help me feel more secure, worthy, and confident. If my life rules resonate for you, feel free to use them.
But we’re all different.
So take some time to identify your inner nemesis. Then set up your own life rules and thwart its control over your life.
Photo by Tim Samuel on Pexels
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
