Practical Medicine for Healing the Divide from Brené Brown
None of us can single-handedly repair the divide that has occurred in our relationships, communities and countries.
But we can pay attention to how we personally interact, both in person and online. We can positively alter the ways we express ourselves to enhance connection rather than detract from it. We can stop sorting people into large groups and refrain from using dehumanizing words and images to describe individuals in those groups.
Professor Brené Brown’s research into “true belonging”—what it is and how we get it—shows us a path forward. She shared her research findings in her 2017 book, Braving the Wilderness, The Quest for True Belonging and The Courage to Stand Alone.
Brown identified four elements of true belonging, which she also defines as daily practices:
People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.
Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
Hold Hands. With Strangers.
Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.
If we embrace these daily practices, we can decrease the divide and reclaim our authenticity and connection.
How did the divide come about?
Brown believes fear caused the sorting to begin and notes 9/11 as a benchmark event. We’ve sorted ourselves or have been sorted (by social media, for example) into like-minded groups antagonistic to other groups.
Let’s take a look at each of the four elements of true belonging. As we do, consider how you can practice them in your own life.
1. People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In
Of the people Brown interviewed, the ones who stayed “zoomed in” had the strongest sense of true belonging.
They didn’t hide from tumultuous news or stop standing up for their beliefs. But they chose to base their views on individual, in-person interactions rather than sorting people into groups based on one determining factor.
People who stay zoomed in noticed how some of the kindest people in their personal world held views in variance with theirs:
The neighbor who readily drove them to the hospital in an emergency, and stayed present until family arrived.
Their son-in-law who keeps a close connection between the two families.
Their most respected teacher who gave them his all.
Due to their personal up close experiences, they couldn't see these people as one dimensional. And so, they couldn’t lump them into a group based on their their affiliation with a particular political party, for example, and automatically assign negative attributes to them.
However, they did have boundaries for acceptable behavior. Brown’s research revealed a correlation between clear and respected boundaries and higher levels of empathy and compassion for others.
She found two common boundaries among her respondents:
Physical safety
Emotional safety, meaning dehumanizing language and behavior are not acceptable
Physical safety means not condoning violent action towards any individual or group.
Emotional safety means more than hurt feelings or an unwillingness to listen to opposing views. Brown captures it with the word “dehumanization.”
Dehumanization fosters moral exclusion. As soon as you target a group as less than, criminal, or evil, you can, in your mind, justify unfair treatment and even violence. Some examples Brown shares:
Nazis called Jews “subhuman” and “rats”
Hutus called Tutsis “cockroaches”
Serbs called Bosnians “aliens”
Indigenous people have been called “savages”
Slaves have been considered “subhuman”
In our times,
People who are vaccinated are called “sheep”
People who refuse to be vaccinated are called “conspiracy theorists”
Specific action you can take to increase connection:
Stay friendly with friends, family, neighbors and coworkers who have differing opinions, when possible.
Respect everyone’s physical safety
Refrain from language and behaviors that dehumanize people.
Learn conflict resolution skills so you have the language to engage with people who hold different views.
2. Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
Brown differentiates lying and bullshitting based on the work of Princeton professor emeritus of philosophy, Harry Frankfurt, who wrote the book, On Bullshit.
She classifies lying as a “defiance of the truth” and bullshitting a “wholesale dismissal of the truth.” It’s far more difficult to counter bullshitting than lying.
The promotion of alternative versions of reality has become a top down phenomenon. It begins with politicians, radio talk show hosts, and others who hold influential positions. Their falsities percolate into the heart and minds of everyday people who resolutely believe and perpetuate them.
This accelerates the divide and creates a “you’re with me or against me” mentality. Discussions now become based on emotionally-held false narratives rather than the truth.
How can you speak truth to bullshit? Brown recommends these two practices:
Be Generous
Be Civil
Be Generous
Don’t assume the person you’re conversing with is intentionally bullshitting you.
Sometimes people bullshit their way through a conversation because they want to be right. It becomes too shameful to admit they’re wrong or they don’t have the correct data. So, they just keep going.
Or they might believe false data they’ve been feed by people in powerful positions. People have been suckered by the greatest liars of our time.
Use kindness, open-mindedness and curiosity to connect with the person as best you can. For example, ask them to tell you more or why it is they believe a particular statement to be true. Ask for the source. This can introduce facts and the possibility of truth into the conversation.
Be Civil
What does it mean to be civil? Treat the person respectfully, look for common ground, and seek to understand rather than holding onto preconceptions.
It’s not easy to to stay civil when you’re attempting to speak truth to bullshit. Your opponent may be less interested in the truth than being right. In response to baseless statements, it’s easy to slip into that same mode and begin to promote what you think more than the facts.
Constantly check yourself and the quality of the conversation. If either of you veer into disrespect, respectfully leave the conversation until a later time.
3. Hold Hands. With Strangers
When we show up for collective moments of joy and pain, we bear witness to indissoluble human connection.
“We’re in a spiritual crisis, and the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in the inextricable human connection.” — Brené Brown
To illustrate, Brown shares an experience of collective pain.
She was driving on a busy four-lane road when the Space Challenger exploded. Hearing the news, people began pulling their cars to the curb. Some even got out of their cars.
It was as if people need to be with others in this moment of tragedy.
When people started driving again, five or ten minutes later, they turned on their headlights as you would see in funeral processions. No one told them to do this. It was another way to feel/be connected to others in a time of intense grief.
Brown recommends participating regularly in collective assembly to keep alive this sense of inextricable human connection.
A few examples of collective assemblies that can bring joy or allow us to share pain.
Concerts
Sporting Events
Spiritual gatherings
Funerals
In a fundamental way, our interconnectedness transcends our differences.
4. Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart
The idea of a “strong back and soft front” originated wtih Roshi Joan Halifax. Brené Brown added “wild heart.”
“If we’re going to make true belonging a daily practice in our lives, we’re going to need a strong back and a soft front.” — Brené Brown
What do these terms mean?
A Strong Back
A strong back represents strength that comes from love not fear.
If we’re caught up in a need to be perfect, please others, prove ourselves, or pretend to be other than who we are, it will be difficult to speak our truth.
A strong back means we know who we are and we like ourselves. We believe in ourselves. We don’t constantly judge ourselves. We don’t allow others to silence us.
A strong back allows us to have a soft front.
A Soft Front
A soft front represents what it means to be truly human. It means an open heart.
We’re all vulnerable to hurt, pain, and the inevitable changes that can turn our lives upside down in a flash.
Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, trust, intimacy, courage — everything that brings meaning to our life. — Brené Brown
We may have armored our heart in childhood due to early wounds. Or we may have begun to protect our heart after a major disappointment as an adult.
We unconsciously hope a closed heart will protect us from pain. But the shield we’ve constructed also blocks love, intimacy, and trust.
Learning to show up and be seen as we are is a practice that takes time, but it’s essential to true belonging.
Wild Heart
“The mark of a wild heart is living out the paradox of love in our lives. It’s the ability to be tough and tender, excited and scared, brave and afraid — all in the same moment. It’s showing up in our vulnerability and our courage, being both fierce and kind.”—Brené Brown
We’re complex human beings. We need to have the courage to be all of who we are and navigate our sometimes paradoxical world of feeling. Our capacity to hold paradoxical feelings is a strength, not a weakness.
You can also stay aware of the struggles and injustices in this word, while allowing yourself to feel joy too.
We all need love, belonging, and joy. That’s what we want for everyone, isn’t it?
But we can’t give others what we don’t have in ourselves. Make it a practice to cultivate joy alongside witnessing the sorrows of the world.
Brown says gratitude is the key to joy.
Concluding Thoughts
In her book, Braving the Wilderness, The Quest for True Belonging and The Courage to Stand Alone, research professor Brené Brown proposes four practices for reclaiming our authenticity and connection and healing the divide:
People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.
Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
Hold Hands. With Strangers.
Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.
She never once says it will be easy. But it’s the only way back to true belonging and will have its own true rewards.
Are you ready to give these practices a try?
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
