A Better Approach to Emotional Safety
We all want to feel emotionally safe, don’t we?
But do you take active steps to create safety in your relationships? Or do you assume others will provide it for you?
Emotional safety is the sense of trust you have with another person or group of people that allows you to be open, honest, and vulnerable.
When emotional safety exists, you feel encouraged, respected, and able to embrace all parts of yourself—even your shadow sides. You feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgment, criticism, or rejection.
But, often we take it for granted. People rarely discuss emotional safety—what it means to you, how to establish it, and how to maintain it—even in their closest relationships.
Instead, you place your emotional safety in the hands of another—a lover, a partner, a best friend—without ever addressing it together.
But emotional safety can be easily shattered by a single sentence, a tone of voice, or an offhand look. When that happens, it’s easy to see yourself as a victim and blame the other person for the painful emotions you feel.
Interpersonal relationships can die from a single breach of safety. And even if they survive, an emotional residue can remain, making it difficult to fully trust again.
What’s the alternative? What would it look like to handle emotional safety as an empowered adult?
The Relational Aspect of Emotional Safety
I’ve learned most of what I know about emotional safety from my five-year participation in a bi-weekly Women Within Circle—a structured support group that helps women reclaim their wisdom and their power.
Prior to that, I assumed emotional safety in relationships. When I felt emotionally threatened or landed in an argument, I didn’t have the skillful means to express myself and often fell into blame.
But blaming another person only escalated discord and made it all the more painful and unsafe.
In one sense, emotional safety is relational. You can set agreements that increase safety in interpersonal relationships or in a group.
For example, these three key agreements maintained in my women’s circle have helped to establish and maintain safety.
1. Confidentiality
Confidentiality is the cornerstone of safety. If you share an intimate or vulnerable detail with your partner or best friend, you don’t expect to hear them sharing it with someone else.
But what agreements have you made around confidentiality with your partner or others in your close circle? When you share a sensitive detail, do you expressly request, “Please keep this confidential?” Or, “Please don’t share this with anyone else?”
Or do you just assume they will?
No one can read your mind. If you don’t ask for confidentiality, you may not receive it.
2. Consistency
Consistency also contributes to emotional safety.
If you don’t keep your promises, your partner won’t know if he can rely on you. If you don’t show up when you say you will, a fracture can begin to form, threatening your connection. If you’re unreliable, your friends will understandably wonder if they can trust you.
Above all else, don’t lie. Lies shatter safety in a relationship like nothing else. The sense of betrayal that arises from a lie can make it difficult to rebuild emotional safety.
3. Communication Style
Your communication style can build safety or diminish it.
The use of “I” statements is one of the most important factors for safe (or at least safer) communication. When you use “I” statements you take responsibility for your own thoughts and emotions instead of projecting them on another.
“I” statements tend to open up communication whereas “you” statements are more likely to shut it down.
That’s because “you” statements can appear to the other person as blaming, judgmental, and patronizing. They can lead to anger, resentment, and bruised feelings, further inflaming an already difficult interaction.
“I feel overwhelmed when I walk into a messy house,” will likely get you farther than, “You’re so messy.”
“I” statements may not come easily to you. Most of us didn’t learn effective communication techniques in our families or at school. It’s something to learn and practice if you want your relationships to feel emotionally safe.
There’s an entire range of communication skills you can learn that will promote emotionally safety. But a good place to start is with “I” statements.
Trust may feel like a given when you’re madly in love or find an endearing new friend. But it’s often tested when you get to the kitchen sink phase of a relationship.
Consciously address emotional safety and use the kinds of skills and agreements described above for healthier and happier relationships.
“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”—Stephen Covey
Your Responsible for Your Emotional Safety
Emotional safety is relational in one sense. But ultimately you’re responsible for your own emotional safety.
I know that might sound radical. Most people are accustomed to blaming others for their feelings and emotional reactions. They expect their partner or best friend to keep them emotionally safe.
I’ve been there. I sometimes still go there. But I’ve learned a better way.
Here’s an example of how this level of personal accountability works in my women’s circle.
A woman is allowed to “call safety” whenever she feels emotionally unsafe or notices another person may feel unsafe.
When this happens, it’s time to pause.
The woman can state why she feels unsafe (using “I” statements), she can leave the room for a few moments to regroup and even ask someone to join her for support, or she can agree to talk about her unsafe feelings later when it’s her turn to do emotional work.
Blame is not part of the equation. Because often, when we’re triggered, it relates to an unhealed wound from the past.
For example, someone in the group uses a tone of voice strikingly similar to your father’s when he felt aggravated at you. You may not consciously realize that, but suddenly you feel triggered, hot under the collar, and emotionally unsafe.
Another person might call safety for you. But you can’t assume that. Ultimately, you’re responsible for stating when you feel unsafe.
It can feel like a knee-jerk reaction to blame. Instead, in my circle, you look into why you were triggered.
I didn’t warm to this approach when I first began in the circle five years ago. When things went awry, I still wanted to blame others instead of taking responsibility for my own emotional reactions.
But over time and with practice, I’ve seen how taking responsibility for my emotional safety builds healthier and happier relationships.
How to Apply Emotional Safety Principles in Life
My women’s circle is a relatively safe container with an entire manual of recommended communication guidelines to safeguard participants.
It may not be as simple in everyday life, especially if you don’t have similar agreements and protections in place.
But you can still learn to take responsibility for your reactions and sense of emotional safety in your relationships. You can start by discussing your respective expectations for emotional safety with your partner or close friends and making clear agreements.
When you feel emotionally unsafe, it’s not necessarily appropriate to “call safety.” But you can request a break.
On your own, you can regroup, calm, and soothe yourself. You can explore why you feel triggered and unsafe. You can look at what you need to feel safe. You can decide how you want to continue with the communication at hand.
If you find yourself feeling emotional unsafe again and again in the same relationship, you can explore why that is and why it is you stay. You can seek the help of a therapist or coach.
Understandably, these kinds of approaches aren’t going to work if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or an abuser. You could endanger yourself by raising the question of emotionally safety. But you can begin to explore how to exit the relationship when it feels safe to do so.
Closing Thoughts
In one sense, emotional safety is relational. We can come to agreements and communicate in ways that increase emotionally safety for all concerned.
But ultimately, you’re responsible for your own emotionally safety.
So take a moment to reflect on these questions:
What steps have you taken to create emotionally safety in your relationships?
Do you have agreements in place that create a sense of emotionally safety?
Have you learned or are you willing to learn communication methods that increase safety in relationships?
And bear in mind, emotional safety is never guaranteed whatever precautions you put in place. People are complex and can inadvertently speak from their wounds rather than from their empowered self.
And, impermanence can strike a relationship anytime.
Your best friend of many years could suddenly act in a way that ends your connection. Your long-time partner might be unfaithful, threatening your emotional safety to the core. You felt emotionally safe with your old boss, but your new one is a tyrant.
Life tramples us sometimes. But once you’re accustomed to taking responsibility for your own emotional safety, you’ll be better equipped to manage the vagaries of life.
They may startle you, but they won’t take you down completely.
[Photo by Designecologist on Pexels]
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
