How to Find Comfort and Ease, Part 1: Resources
In trauma recovery, an essential first step involves identifying your resources, both internal and external ones.
But resourcing isn’t relevant in trauma healing alone. We all need resources to navigate this life, and all the challenges it brings.
What is a resource?
According to trauma expert Irene Lyon, when nervous system dysregulation occurs, or to put it simply, when you feel too much distress, a resource is anything that:
“Helps you to soothe and settle and provides a sense of goodness
Anchors us to the here and now.
Prevents a downward spiraling of thoughts, emotions, and memories that can impede our healing process.”
We all go into downward emotional spirals or get caught in painful memories. Having a repertoire of resources can help whether you’re a trauma survivor or not.
A Coping Mechanism Is Not a Resource
However, a resource is not the same as a coping mechanism. Sometimes the line between the two might not be clear so here’s how you can tell.
A resource helps you to be present to overwhelm and stress in a way that helps you heal your nervous system.
On the other hand, a coping mechanism helps you manage in the moment, but it may be harmful in the long run. A coping mechanism could be eating too much, reaching for a glass of wine or a can of beer, smoking weed, or binging on Netflix. It could be a full-on addiction.
But some coping mechanisms may be considered harmless by most people, like always burying yourself in a book or becoming obsessive about exercise or diet. Still, they may be keeping you from healing.
Coping mechanisms distract you or numb you out so you don’t have to feel intense emotion or sensations. They help you manage and stay alive so, in that sense, they shouldn’t be given a bad rap. They may be all you have. But they won’t necessarily help you heal, and in some instances, they can be self-destructive.
Here’s an example of how I’ve used a coping mechanism myself. Because of past trauma, I used to be terrified to be alone at night. I arranged my life so that rarely happened. But eventually, I wanted to overcome this fear, and allowed myself to have periods alone at night.
At first, I was constantly triggered by sounds outside. At the time, I lived in a rural setting, leaves rustled, palm fronds feel, and wild pigs snorted outside my window.
If I just sat there hearing all these sounds, my nervous system interpreted these sounds as danger and I would go into high activation. At the time, I didn’t have the internal resources to bring it down. But after a few days, I found watching Netflix perfectly distracted me from these eternal sounds.
Eventually, I overcame this fear almost entirely. I no longer needed Netflix to stay calm when I was alone at night. In this instance, I think the coping mechanism was an important step on my path to healing. It kept me going until I had better resources that actually helped me heal.
Don’t feel bad if you have one or more coping mechanisms. You may need them right now to survive. And they can be a stepping stone to healing if you become aware of them and use them consciously.
You might want to take a minute now to make a list of your coping mechanisms. Just don’t be hard on yourself for having them, and don’t try to let go of them suddenly. As you learn more about resources, you can consider if you want to slowly exchange some of your coping mechanisms for resources.
Two Types of Resources: External and Internal
Resources come in two forms: external and internal. It will probably be far easier for you to identify your external resources; it was for me. But some people may naturally have strong internal resources due to their upbringing.
An external resource is anything external to you: for example, a person, an object, a pet, an activity, a situation or circumstance.
Here are some of my external resources:
Good friends
My sisters
Coloring in adult coloring books
Hot water bottle
Naps
Reading or listening to spiritual teachings
Quiet
Nature
Sun
An internal resource is an internal state that does not depend on something external. It’s what you feel and sense on the inside, a quality or ability you have within yourself.
Some of my internal resources include:
Spiritual perspective
Positive and soothing self-talk
My ability to bring myself back to the present moment
My ability to be present to difficult emotions and their corresponding sensations in the body
Knowing how stress feels in my body and taking steps to calm my nervous system.
Clearer boundaries and more confidence is keeping my boundaries.
Honestly, I’m not able to access some of these internal resources all the time. I’m in the process of learning too.
I’m just beginning to be able to be present to difficult emotions and their corresponding sensations in the body. And I often let stress go on too long before I realize I need to pause and take time to bring my nervous system back into balance. But both of those abilities are slowly getting stronger. On the other hand, my spiritual perspective often kicks in automatically, and my ability to set boundaries has grown impressively.
Our capacity to resource sits on a spectrum, right? You might be on the low to middle end of the spectrum right now. But with practice, you can improve your ability to resource and develop new resources as well.
An external resource can help you develop an internal one. All my years of spiritual study have developed into an inner spiritual perspective that doesn’t require an external resource. Although I sometimes still go to the external resource for a boost.
It’s important to have both external and internal resources. But clearly, it’s advantageous to have a well-developed menu of internal resources because your external resources will not always be available to you.
Everyone’s resources will be different. Your friend’s favorite resource may be an emotional trigger for you. So, identify your own resources, the ones that really make a difference for you. And do this periodically, once a year for example, because our resources can change.
For the better part of my life, I didn’t have strong internal resources. I became emotionally dysregulated easily, and often sought support from others to get back to baseline. I was also a workaholic, which kept me for experiencing big parts of my inner self. But I’ve been developing more internal resources in recent years.
If you start on your resource list and discover, like me in the past, your internal resources to be in short supply, don’t be hard on yourself. Now that you know, you have an opportunity to develop new inner resources and strengthen any you already have.
The Danger of Too Much Resourcing
Lastly, contrary to what I said above, constantly accessing your resources can be a barrier to healing. Resources can be used to avoid feeling difficult emotions ever, similar to the idea of spiritual by-passing. Also, too much resourcing can hinder the completion of the stress response.
In order to heal your trauma or dysfunctional emotional patterns, you’ll need to feel challenging feelings and sensations at some point. But you need to do that without overwhelming your nervous system and re-triggering trauma. You’ll need to learn to go slowly and develop your capacity to experience painful emotions and uncomfortable sensations in tiny increments.
In the meantime, it’s healthy to use your resources to stay out of strong states of overwhelm.
List Your Resources
Take a moment now to make a list of your external and internal resources. If you have a huge list, celebrate it. If your list is small, feel good about the resources you do have, and consider ways you can build both your inner and outer resources further.
Put your list in a place you’ll see it frequently. Place it under a magnet on the door of your fridge, tape it to a mirror, or put it in your planner or journal. Just knowing you have resources can be soothing to the nervous system.
As the saying goes, “No man (or woman) is an island.” We all need resources to thrive. The key is to develop a good balance of both external and internal resources.
Important: I’m not a doctor or psychotherapist and this is not medical advice. If you are suffering from trauma, I highly recommend working with a trauma therapist.
I’ve learned about trauma recovery and nervous system regulation from various experts over the years. Most recently, I’ve been studying with Irene Lyon. I highly recommend her 21 Days Nervous System Tune-Up. If that’s not in your budget, you can access her free videos on YouTube.
Your Turn
What are some of your resources? What kinds of resources would you like to develop? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
