4 Choices That Make My Life Peaceful
The world is filled with too much drama, isn’t it?
You can add to the chaos by reacting to the smallest perceived provocation. Or you can decide to be flexible, act kindly, and establish clear boundaries.
Because you want a pleasant and harmonious existence, don’t you?
It took me a long time to make that choice for myself. I’ve lived most my life among the highly reactive species.
Wound too tightly, eventually I burned out and fell ill.
Now, I choose peace more often than stress. This means I choose mindsets and behaviors that enhance calm. You can too.
1. Flexibility
An inflexible mind makes it difficult to compromise, flow with change, and understand another person’s perspective. As such, it often leads to conflict with others, internal stress, and self-judgment as well.
Recently, the neighbor who maintains my yard was unable to show up at the regular time due to a broken lawnmower. It took him a week and a few days to get a new mower.
We set a new time, but then he tweaked his back. He arrived a day or two later and did his usual amazing job.
Some people immediately get bent out of shape when change or uncertainty occurs.
I can just imagine the tense protestations: “He should have…” Or, “Why didn’t he…”
But is it worth your mental well-being to get so annoyed?
I put myself in his shoes. Mowers are costly. He waited for a holiday sale. When he hurt his back, I encouraged him to take care of himself.
I knew the job would get done, just on a different timetable.
Reflect: How flexible are you? Does inflexibility ruin your mood or upset your day often? How could you become a little more flexible?
2. Clear Boundaries
Flexibility can make your life more serene. But too much flexibility can make your life a nightmare.
We all need healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are the limits you set to protect your well-being, maintain your independence, and stay clear in your relationships.
When your boundaries are violated, you can feel it in your body. Your gut might tighten, your heart might hurt, or your blood might boil.
A few weeks ago, I arrived on time for a Zoom appointment and the other person did too. But he wasn’t ready. He had to get his water bottle, find his computer glasses, and tend to his pet.
After fussing for ten minutes, he finally settled down, but then he received a phone call. He took the call in front of me. It last about five minutes.
Call done, he began to converse with me. But I found it hard to listen. I felt heat rising in my torso—a sure sign of irritation. I felt disrespected.
My boundaries had been violated. I needed to express that before I could engage in a normal conversation.
And I did. I spoke my truth with kindness and clarity. The person apologized and agreed to be more conscious about time in the future.
A lack of clarity about your boundaries can lead to resentment, strain on a relationship, and make it difficult to trust.
All that creates inner turmoil, doesn’t it?
To lead a more peaceful life, you need to set clear boundaries and have the confidence to address boundary violations.
Learning to set boundaries is a process. It won’t necessarily lead to peace immediately. At first, some people might push back on your boundaries.
But once boundary setting has become second nature, you’ll feel more and more peace in your life.
Flexibility and boundaries are not polar opposites. They can happily co-exist. With time and practice, you learn when you feel comfortable with flexibility and when you need boundaries instead.
Reflect: Do you have clear boundaries? Do you feel comfortable asserting yourself when your boundaries are violated? What can you do to strengthen your boundaries and feel more comfortable with boundary setting?
3. Kindness
Kindness is more likely to bring peace than aggression, right?
I recently failed on my kindness commitment. But that fail reminded me not to repeat the same mistake.
About a month ago, a neighbor attached a message to my gate. The letter said 2,000 mail boxes would be placed at the end of my street.
I imagined a constant stream of cars speeding up and down my street at all hours of the day and night. As a person who prefers quiet, you can imagine how distressed I felt.
I dashed off an upset and confrontational email to the board of my community association.
A one-line reply came back: “Thank you for your feedback.”
Really? That heightened my frustration and fear.
I waited till the next Board meeting and drafted another email. I did my homework, as I had before. But this time I found a slew of information about the new mailbox parks on the community association website.
The information I had initially been given was partially incorrect. I had allowed myself to get riles up based on the wrong information.
So this time, I took a step back and decided to began with kindness. I thanked the Board members for their service. I wrote in a friendly tone rather than an aggressive one, gave them the benefit of the doubt, and asked questions.
I received a full paragraph in response that mirrored by kindness. I learned the mailboxes at the end of my street would be for homes north of my location. People will pick up their mail and go in the opposite direction, not along my road.
By choosing kindness, I saved the board from one more assault. But equally important, I didn’t create inner upset for myself.
Sometimes anger is an appropriate response. But often it leads to more anger, more aggression, and more confrontation.
Reflect: Do you start with kindness? Do you give the benefit of the doubt. Or do you lead with aggression? Which brings more peace?
4. Self-Soothing
You can’t cocoon yourself entirely from the stress, drama, and chaos that occurs in the larger world and sometimes in your smaller universe too.
But you can learn to calm your nervous system when you feel upset through self-soothing.
What’s soothing to me might not be soothing to you, however. Listen to your body and discover what soothes you.
This can include people, places, and things like:
Specific textures
Favorite clothing
Comfort foods
Objects like a special blanket or stuffed animal (even for adults)
Interacting with a pet
Certain people
A special activity like a walk in nature
Harmful substances can soothe on the short run, but cause damage on the long run. Thus, they’re not ideal sources of self-soothing.
The last time I came home from the vet, I felt an inner spinning of accumulated anxiety in my torso. It called me to keep moving, keep doing in a tense sort of way.
Instead, I sat down. I lightly placed my attention on the inner spinning. After a few minutes it dissolved. This kind of quiet meditation calms my nervous system.
Reflect: What are the people, places, and things that bring you peace when you feel unsettled? How can you employ them more when life goes bonkers?
Closing Thoughts
Externals can of course cause us to stress. But often, we stress ourselves more with our own thoughts, words, and actions.
As someone who has been highly prone to stress most of my life, I came to a crossroads due to the onset of chronic illness. I needed to stress less.
I was deeply inspired by this quote from biologist, psychologist, and author, Joan Borysenko:
“Every day brings a clear choice: to practice stress or to practice peace. I thought, If I make a conscious choice to make peace of mind my primary goal going forward, everything else in life will flow more smoothly and harmoniously.”
I decided to choose peace. Will you too?
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
