We all want a calmer life. 

But sometimes calming activities like meditation, yoga, or spending time in nature don’t do the trick.

They can be like bandaids covering up deep-seated beliefs that keep you in a restless stressful loop.

I’m not a naturally calm person myself.

My propensity to emotional intensity and workaholism interspersed with intermittent traumas made my life anything but serene.

But as time went on, I was fortunate to encounter new perspectives that eventually helped me bring more peacefulness into my life. Adopting the following five beliefs helped me go from a nervous wreck to a somewhat unbothered person.

1. Remember Impermanence

When the worst things have happened to me—betrayal, loss, intense discord—one thought has immediately come to mind:

Everything is impermanent. How could I be so foolish to believe otherwise?

It’s not easy to remember impermanence. Most humans have an inborn attachment to continuity. They seek the comfort of sameness. Unexpected change often feels like lightning struck you to the core.

But impermanence is the natural course of life just as each in-breath transforms into an out-breath, every day turns into night, and one season evolves into the next.

So as not to forget impermanence, Christian monks used the phrase “memento mori,” which means “remember that you have to die,” as part of their daily rituals.

In the same way, I actively recall impermanence when unwanted change occurs. It softens the blow. It reminds me that life is a school and we’re all here to learn. The human experience is not meant to stay the same, be perpetually comfortable, or manifest as a stream of continuous highs.

Remembering impermanence has helped me stay calm (or at least calmer) in the face of major disasters like losing my home and possessions to lava during a three-month eruption.

And because impermanence helps me keep my priorities straight, I try to remember it a little each day.

“Everything is impermanent. Knowing this, just relax.”— Ravi Shankar

2. Everyone Is Different

This sounds obvious. But, on a subtle level, I often expected everyone to be a carbon copy of me—to think and feel in the same ways I did. 

This brought upset, time and again.

This expectation can be the most evident in relation to a romantic partner.

• You don’t want to go to the party at all, but you agree to two hours. He wants to stay for four.

• You need quiet. He wants to play music.

• You abhor friends who drop-by unannounced. He encourages friends to do so.

How can he be so insensitive? Why doesn’t he understand me and my needs?

It’s the same with a parent, a sibling, a boss, or a friend, isn’t it?

When I began to study the Enneagram of Personality, which highlights nine distinct types and twenty-seven sub-types, it finally sunk in: people can be radically different!

I finally stopped expecting everyone to think and feel just like me. Doing so only led to disappointment, drama, and distress for far too long. 

It doesn’t matter which personality system you choose. If you take some time to learn about different personality types it can lead to “aha” moments, better relationships choices, and greater calm in your life.

“Nothing brings down walls as surely as acceptance.” ― Deepak Chopra

3. Perception is Everything

As a young adult, I was a bundle of opinions, judgments, and emotional reactions. Sadly, that’s how most people live their life from birth to death.

Once I began to study mindfulness meditation, I realized all those opinions, judgments, and emotional reactions only caused more suffering for me. 

I learned that everything depends on how we perceive. And we can indeed change how we perceive. It’s our superpower as a human.

In mindfulness meditation, I had a chance to observe the transitory nature of thoughts and emotions. I realized I don’t have to grab on to every thought or emotion that passes by no matter how alluring it might be.

For example, think of times when your closest friend became a stranger and an enemy surprisingly became the best of friends.

That illustrates that the mind is pliable.

It takes time, but once you’ve practiced mindfulness meditation regularly for a few months, and sometimes even sooner, you find there’s more space between you and your thoughts. 

In that space you have a choice. Do you want to cling to unnecessary and unhelpful opinions, judgments, and emotional reactions? Do they really serve you?

In that fraction of a moment, you can make new and better choices. And life will be calmer when you do. It has been for me.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”— Victor Frankl

4. Self-Responsibility

When I travel back in time, I see a younger version of myself who easily blamed others. 

• “You made me angry.”

• “You hurt my feelings.”

• “You aren’t meeting my expectations.”

I something went wrong, because of my insecurity, I couldn’t own it. Thus the tendency to blame others was born.

Thanks to self-exploration through psychotherapy, my women’s group, and a ton of self-help reading, I’ve learned to take responsibility for my words, my actions, and my emotions.

That doesn’t mean that people don’t do hurtful, harmful, and even malicious things. Interpersonal relationships are a two-way street.

But instead of playing the victim, I’m more willing to look deeply at my part in any given situation. I now ask questions like:

• “Were my boundaries unclear?”

• “Are my expectation unrealistic?”

• “I don’t like this person’s behavior. What are my options?”

This doesn’t mean being a doormat and accepting unkind behavior. Quite the opposite. I’ve learned to set clear boundaries that don’t allow in people, activities, and experiences that diminish me.

In other words, I strive to take personal responsibility for my life experience, whatever comes my way. I’m not perfect at this, but I’m far better than that young insecure woman who readily blamed others.

And that makes for a calmer life, doesn’t it?

“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”—Richard Bach

5. Believe in Yourself

I’ve been through a lot in my life. 

I’ve been physically assaulted, under the thumb of a narcissistic spiritual teacher, and subject to a chronic illness that brought me down to 84 pounds at its worst point.

I survived all that and more.

You would think all that would be enough to make me believe in myself. But instead, a deeply rooted inner belief that, “I’m not enough,” continued to plague me.

These kinds of limiting beliefs seem to live in the hidden recesses of the mind. You may not be consciously struggling with them in every moment yet they influence almost everything you do.

I haven’t eradicated this belief entirely. But when it comes up, I’m more likely to notice it and also see it for what it is: a false story.

Many different pieces have come together to make it possible to believe in myself. They include the work I’ve done in psychotherapy, my daily mindfulness practice, and living alone, which has required me to manage everything for myself and led to greater confidence.

I know whatever happens I can manage it. I know somethings may be very hard like the deaths of my loved ones, serious illness, and whatever disasters the world might have in its wings.

But I will be okay. I believe in myself. And that makes for a far calmer life.

“We are who we believe we are.” — C.S. Lewis

Closing Thoughts

Life will always have its ups and downs. You’ll get thrown out of your zone of resilience from time-to-time. When you do, it’s helpful to have techniques that bring you back to calm.

But equally important are the beliefs you hold. Interestingly, humans often tend to hold onto beliefs that create more distress than calm. Isn’t that curious?

If that has been true for you, consider a mindset shift. Adopting these five beliefs have led to more calm in my life. Maybe they could help you find more serenity too.

1. Remember the reality of impermanence

2. Everyone is different

3. Perception is everything

4. Self-Responsibility

5. Believe in yourself

Or maybe you want to self-explore and find the beliefs that would lead to a more harmonious life for you. Because in these chaotic times, we need to be our own calm oasis more than ever. Don’t we?

[Photo by Khoa Võ]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra