Aging with Grace: Myth or Reality?
(Updated March 26, 2022)
Have you seen all the Pinterest boards entitled “Graceful Aging?”
They feature stunning photos of celebrities like Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Barbara Streisand, Jamie Lee Curtis, Julie Christie, Diane Keaton and others.
These icons look fabulous in the context of conventional standards of beauty.
But is this what aging gracefully truly means?
The Reality of Aging
My mother died at the age of 63. She didn’t get a chance to age gracefully.
My father died at the age of 86. Although he suffered from a heart attack and two strokes in mid-life, he continued to live modestly but well by his own definition.
Until his later years, when he began to feel weary. Too many loved ones had passed away, physical symptoms plagued him, and loneliness frequented his days.
I felt surprised when his doctor suggested he suffered from depression. But naive me, depression is common among the elderly.
In old age, my father felt more distress than grace.
This suffering peaked with a gall bladder attack and consequent hospitalization. Surgery revealed cancer in another organ.
My father refused treatment for the cancer but he needed to recover from the surgery. Post-surgery he moved to a depressing nursing home for rehabilitation. He never saw his apartment again.
I sensed he would die soon and wanted to be with him during his last weeks. I flew across the country and spent hours on end at the nursing home.
At the facility, I witnessed:
The norm of defecating into an adult diaper and waiting for an attendant to assist you.
A sweet woman in a nearby room who had no legs.
A mad man wheel-chairing into whatever room he wished, frightening its occupants.
A hysterical new patient screaming endlessly for her husband until the tiny, wrinkled man arrived and reassured her.
None of this seemed particularly graceful, but moments of kindness, humor, and joy peeked through.
“This is the extreme,” you might think. Aging isn’t like that for everyone.
Maybe. But when we portray one particular form of beauty as aging gracefully, we neglect the experience of so many others.
No one can escape the bodily decay of aging although some may have a stronger constitution than others. The accumulation of years can bring discomfort, discouragement, and even despair — a full spectrum away from the romanticized image of aging with grace.
I don’t think we should just give up and let our bodies go to pot, of course. Diet, attitude, and exercise can sometimes avert and/or positively impact chronic disease and extend your life. It makes sense to give your body the proper amount of attention.
But as we age, let’s not fixate on the way we look, the state of our body, and a million possible ways to improve it, and by so doing, overlook divine grace.
“Aging has its own beauty. It is a beautiful state for doing inner work. You have a chance to not be so dependent on social approval. You can be a little more eccentric. You can be a little more alone. And you can examine loneliness and boredom instead of being afraid of them. There is such an art and possibility of aging.”—Ram Dass
Aging with Divine Grace
The word “grace” contains multiple meanings. But I prefer the one that goes beyond external simple elegance. Instead, aging with grace can mean:
Expanding your capacity to love, express compassion, and be tolerant, understanding, and forgiving.
Increasing your ability to see reality as it is, accept whatever unfolds in your life, and let go in every moment.
Divine grace:
Regenerates your spirit and sanctifies your being, whatever your physical container might look like.
Inspires virtuous thoughts, words, and actions that uplift you and others.
Provides the strength to face and transform the trials that naturally occur as you age.
Can help you meet death with understanding and peace.
You can access divine grace in any moment because it resides within you.
You can access divine grace in any moment because it resides within you.
Conversely, modern culture worships the body far more than the spirit. Billions of dollars are spent each year on perfume, cosmetics, and yoga products.
Will all the perfume, makeup, and yoga accoutrements give you profound peace of mind in your later years?
Many forms of yoga have been stripped of their spiritual meaning and presented as secular health practices. They can help you maintain better health, but they won’t necessarily help you connect to divine grace.
It takes courage to breakaway from the conventional standards of beauty and choose instead beauty that arises from within.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” — Elizabeth Lesser
You Are Not This Body. You Are Not This Mind.
Our bodies may disintegrate for a good reason: as a reminder we are not this body, we are not this mind.
The aging process provides an opportunity to gradually surrender all that you’ve held dear, which happens at death whether you like it or not. Think of aging as the practice run for the moment of death, when you can’t take anything along.
You don’t have to wait for old age to live in divine grace, however. The following practices — when employed regularly — can provide an essential foundation for letting grace flow, whatever your age.
1. Don’t identify so strongly with your body
Most people see the body and the self as one.
This often brings emotional pain since we’re rarely happy with our body — too fat, too thin, too wrinkled, too achy, not pretty enough, nose too big, and on and on. Even when you achieve momentary “perfection,” sweat, smears, and wrinkles can destroy it in an instant.
From a higher perspective, the body doesn’t permanently exist. In every moment, it undergoes constant change at the micro level that eventually becomes apparent at the macro level. There’s no permanent, unchanging body. And since the physical body dies, it certainly isn’t you, is it?
One day, you’ll have to say good-bye to your body. It will be easier then, if you train yourself now to see this body as a temporary home for consciousness.
When you look in the mirror each day, ask yourself if what you see is the real you. Who, what is the real you? Contemplating this question can lead to deep insight and profound letting go.
“This thing called ‘corpse’ we dread so much is living with us here and now.” — Milarepa
2. Don’t identify so strongly with your mind — your thoughts and emotions
Most people believe they are their thoughts and emotions. They get all wrapped up in their goals, dreams, and ambitions or conversely their self-hatred, compulsive tendencies, and despair.
But that is equally deceptive.
Just like the body, all that arises in the mind is transitory. The more attention you invest in your thoughts and emotions, the more real and solid they can seem.
But that tends to bring you unnecessary suffering again and again. Many of our thoughts are stuck in a negative thought loop. We usually spend more time in the past or future than appreciate this moment now.
Instead of being under the command of your thoughts and emotions, spend time with the part of your mind that’s unchanging.
Sit quietly and get to know the intricacies and tendencies of your own mind. See for yourself how the display of thoughts and emotions constantly changes. Be aware of the aspect of you that’s taking it all in. Align with this pure awareness rather than your thoughts and emotions.
There’s more to living in divine grace, but these two practices — when taken to heart — can bring an amazing sense of freedom.
“I am not this body, I am not this mind, I am not these senses, Immortal self am I. Soham Soham Soham Sivoham.” — Hindu chant
Closing Thoughts
Your body houses your divine essence, so please do care for it. Regard it with respect.
But don’t go overboard. You never know how your body will manifest disease in the future even if you drink endless green smoothies, exercise faithfully, and eat a vegan diet. Even great spiritual teachers have faced cancer, strokes, and heart disease.
Good health and a long life mean nothing if you don’t put them to the best use.
Learn to be in the awareness aspect of mind now, whatever your age, so you’ll be able experience divine grace more and more as you age. Learn to stop identifying with the body as “you” so you’ll be able to rest in divine grace as you make your passage from this physical container to whatever comes next.
We never know what the future holds. You could live to be a relatively healthy supercentenarian or die of Alzheimer’s like my brother did, despite his prestigious Ph.D., vegetarian diet, and active biking regime.
Whatever happens, you can’t go wrong if you choose to age with divine grace.
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
