What Hooks You? And How to Overcome It.
A few years ago, during home renovations, I lived and worked in a construction zone for three months. I managed surprisingly well.
I had moments of frustration, stress, and tears. But, overall, I followed my routine and took breaks, swimming in the ocean mosts days to counterbalance the strain.
In contrast, I sent an e-mail to a close friend. When I didn’t hear back from her, I started to go into a story — a subtle but persistent whisper. “Have I done something wrong? Is she cutting me off?”
A few weeks later, her response arrived. It was brimming with love and care. She’d just been on a break.
In the end, my story and all the pain I had created around it, had nothing to do with my friend.
I’m sure you can remember times when you’ve gotten hooked too. In fact, most of us get triggered and hooked on a daily basis. You might be cool and unaffected in one situation, like my construction zone, but go wild in another.
Getting hooked causes so much unnecessary suffering. Why do we create so much distress for ourselves? Do you want to continue to do that?
I decided I wanted out of this cycle of misery. This is how I learned to work with what hooks me.
How It Feels To Be “Hooked”
The popular author and meditation teacher, Pema Chödrön, uses the word “hooked” to describe those everyday moments when you feel automatically carried away by an emotional reaction.
“The Tibetan word for this is shenpa. It is usually translated ‘attachment,’ but a more descriptive translation might be ‘hooked.’ When shenpa hooks us, we’re likely to get stuck. We could call shenpa “that sticky feeling.” It’s an everyday experience. Even a spot on your new sweater can take you there. At the subtlest level, we feel a tightening, a tensing, a sense of closing down. Then we feel a sense of withdrawing, not wanting to be where we are. That’s the hooked quality. That tight feeling has the power to hook us into self-denigration, blame, anger, jealousy and other emotions which lead to words and actions that end up poisoning us.”
That’s exactly how it felt too me.
I was so blended with the insecure aspects of myself, my reactions felt involuntary. They suddenly took me over, directed my thoughts, words, and actions, and stirred up endless drama and distress.
To describe “shenpa” further, Chödrön states:
“Someone looks at us in a certain way, or we hear a certain song, we smell a certain smell, we walk into a certain room and boom. The feeling has nothing to do with the present, and nevertheless, there it is. When we were practicing recognizing shenpa at Gampo Abbey, we discovered that some of us could feel it even when a particular person simply sat down next to us at the dining table.”
This tendency to contract and react is subtle, deep, and often unconscious.
Chödrön describes shenpa as having a “tightening” quality. Although it feels automatic, we can begin to recognize that tightening sensation and catch ourselves before we once again engage in an undesirable habitual reaction.
You have to train yourself to recognize that tensing, or whatever body reaction occurs for you, again and again. Chödrön recommends mindfulness meditation as the perfect tool for this purpose.
In mindfulness meditation you learn to relax and be with whatever arises. You learn to be aware of the sense of contraction and uneasiness, to feel it, but let it pass without giving in to the urge to react.
If you’re not ready to learn mindfulness meditation, that’s okay. You can still learn to notice what hooks you in life because we all have the capacity to be mindful.
Disempower Your Hooks
I decided I was tired of falling into the same self-created cycle of misery again and again. So, I committed to recognizing when I’m hooked and interrupting my habitual reaction.
I won’t lie to you. My hooks still have the power to shake me up sometimes. But they no longer run my life. I’m more likely to notice when I’m hooked and refrain from my habitual response.
I’m also not as blended with my hooks. I realize they come from a constructed story that began in an early part of my life. But that story is not necessarily the truth. I’m not permanently stuck with my story.
In order to change and grow, you have to be willing to get to know your hooks and how to interrupt your typical response.
Here are some ways to do that:
Make a list of your hooks, the ones that come to mind right now.
Carry a small notebook with you or use the notes app on your phone to record moments when you find yourself hooked. But don’t judge yourself.
Make space for your emotions. When you feel hooked, notice the feeling of contraction that typically occurs. Don’t suppress your emotions. Instead, let them rise, and see if you can just be aware of them until they melt away. The problem isn’t the rising, it’s all the thoughts and emotions you create about it. The rising will dissolve on its own if you don’t reinforce it with more thoughts.
Be gentle with yourself if you do become reactive. Feel compassion for the part of yourself that’s caught in insecurity, anger, or whatever the emotion might be. Getting hooked gives you the opportunity to learn and grow. So don’t be mad when you get hooked, be grateful instead. Then resolve to keep trying to heal and let go.
Choose one of your hooks to explore. Start with the smallest and easiest one. Reflect or journal about it. Do you remember when it originated? What happened? What are the stories and beliefs connected to this hook?
Are there people who encourage you to react in this way, either consciously or unconsciously? Are you caught in a victim-perpetrator cycle? How can you release yourself?
Question your hook. Tell yourself, “This is not real. This is just a story in my mind. I can see it differently.”
Counter your hook. Create a new story. Use affirmations. Or decide not to hold onto any story at all.
Whatever the hook, start to deconstruct the beliefs and stories that hold it in place. Subvert the internal assumptions that keep the pattern running. Like a house of cards, removing one part of the story will begin to lessen its strength.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” — Marcus Aurelius
Closing Thoughts
A “hook” is anything that prompts you to react with uncalled for or unhelpful emotions like anger, insecurity, or jealousy. All humans have hooks so there’s no need to feel guilty or bad about having yours.
But if you pay attention, you’ll notice that getting hooked makes you suffer — again and again. Not ideal, right? You can remove yourself from this cycle of self-created distress. Decide to learn to recognize your hooks and interrupt the resulting reactive patters.
Usually our hooks are thoroughly ingrained in our psyche. So it will take time to erase them. But you have the power to revoke their significance. You have the capacity to change your perception and your response in any given situation.
In so doing, you’ll feel a sense of relief and release. Try it. I think you’ll enjoy the new found sense of freedom.
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels
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