The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying (And How to Avoid Them)
Updated May 12, 2021
Are you living the life you truly want? What might you regret if you were looking back from your deathbed?
In her best-selling memoir, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, Bronnie Ware shared five significant disappointments people commonly express on their deathbeds
Ware worked as a caregiver to the dying for eight years. Listening to their painful stories and biggest regrets transformed her own life. It gave her a fierce determination to follow her own heart no matter what.
She turned these five regrets into a book, which became a bestseller read by more than a million people around the world.
“This book had a profound effect on my life.”— Dr Wayne W. Dyer
What Are the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying?
Read carefully through the following list of the top five regrets of dying patients. See if any ring true for you when you consider your life right now.
1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
This was the number one regret of the dying.
As a young adult, you may have followed a career path set out by your parents instead of following your own dream. As an adult, perhaps you always acquiesce to your romantic partner’s desires and choices, never thinking about what you truly want yourself.
There are so many possible ways to get stalled in life when you do what’s expected of you instead of what you truly want.
Are you living according to the expectations of others, forgetting your own desires?
2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
At the time, Ware found this top regret of dying patients was most common among men, who made work their first priority. Being so consumed by work left little time for these men to experience true intimacy and connection with their partner. They also regretted missing special times with their children as they grew up.
I wonder if this might now be a top regret of women who are dying too.
Are you working too much?
3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
Many people don’t know how to express their feelings in a healthy way. It’s not something we’re taught as children.
So, they stay quiet to avoid rocking the boat. Or perhaps they believe their feelings aren’t important. Men in particular face a strong stigma around the expression of feelings.
Are you expressing your feelings often and in a healthy way?
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
It’s easy to let friendships slide if you don’t consciously decide to make time for your friends.
The connection we feel in friendship is important because it brings feelings of satisfaction and joy to our lives. Connection also calms the nervous system, helping us to relax and let go of stress.
But once you’re dying, you may not be able to find and reconnect with former friends you once cherished so much.
Are you making time and space for your friendships?
5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”
Happiness is not merely an externally inspired event that happens to you occasionally by sheer luck. You have to actively make choices to engage in activities that bring happiness and joy. Many people live on automatic instead.
The other four top regrets of the dying are ways we obstruct our own happiness as well, aren’t they?
Are you regularly engaging in activities that bring you happiness?
As soon as you finish reading this list of the five regrets of dying patients, grab a pen and blank piece of paper or your device. If any of the top five regrets struck a chord with you, write it/them down.
Then ask yourself:
“If I died this very moment, are there any other regrets I would have?”
Jot down whatever immediately comes to mind. Then sit with the question for a few minutes more to see what else emerges. Over the next few days, more thoughts may come to mind. Add them to your list.
Change Your Life Now
Now that you know your possible regrets, you also know where to begin to transform your life.
Take your list of possible regrets and prioritize them by importance to you. Start by focusing on the first one. Make a list of positive steps you can take to begin honoring the calling of your heart.
It’s okay to start small. Then take bigger steps as you gain more confidence. But make a start, right away before you lose the impulse.
Change takes time. Don’t wait till later, you never know when death will arrive. Start now to live a life you love, a life without regrets.
Death May Come Sooner Than You Think
Do you ignore the possibility of death and think you have all the time in the world? Most people do, but that could be a mistake.
After being diagnosed with a rare sarcoma, 24-year old Asher Lipson wrote:
“It is frustrating to feel that you have mismanaged your time, or that there isn’t enough time to accomplish the things that you would like to do. Right now I feel that I haven’t used my time well, and it pains me to look back at all of the hours wasted.”
Lipson’s biggest regret as he came closer to death was feeling he hadn’t used his time well. Is that something you might regret too?
Twenty-four seems too young to die, doesn’t it?
But this life offers no guarantees. We only know that death is certain, we don’t know when and how we’ll die. If we don’t wake up and live intentionally, it will be easy to have regrets whether we die at 24 or 104.
Final Thoughts
The first edition of Ware’s book came out just a little more than a decade ago (there’s a 2019 updated edition as well), but her message is timeless, isn’t it? It’s captured well in this quote from Simone de Beauvoir:
“Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now without delay.”
If there’s one thing you take away from this story, it’s the importance of changing your life now before it’s too late.
Start by making that list of any regrets you might have should you suddenly die. Then choose the most important one. Break it into actionable steps. Take the first step to change your life as soon as you can.
It’s not difficult to avoid the top regrets of the dying if you make it a point to always be true to yourself.Your Turn
Do you think you'll have regrets when you die? What regrets come to your mind right now? I would love to hear in the comments.
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
