I’ve had a strong life purpose most of my life.

Setting out, I wanted to help others who were less fortunate than I.  I worked as an employment counselor for the disadvantaged, and then as a director for a battered women’s shelter and rape crisis agency.

Eventually, I became the director of a spiritual organization.  The community was small when I started, but a few years later, my spiritual teacher became a best-selling author, New York Times style. With the popularity of his groundbreaking book, the membership grew wildly.

I thought we were helping people and changing the world, making it a better place.  The book did help countless people, especially those facing death and their caregivers. And its words touched masses more, beyond those parameters - people who were seeking for more meaning and looking for a different way.

But it all fell apart, for me and myriad others, when instances of alleged sexual, physical, and verbal abuse by our spiritual teacher were revealed in 2017.

When Life Purpose Falls Apart

I’d already been slipping away from the organization for years. I had unwittingly moved to the opposite end of the world (almost), two oceans away and out of his physical reach. A disturbing illness, born immediately upon the end of my tenure, made it impossible for me to travel to retreats.

Although I lived in paradise, this teacher’s dominance and fear-inducing instructions still had a traumatic hold over me.   

So what about my purpose? During my unintentional “vacation,” I attempted to heal my broken body while joining virtual retreats and continuing my daily practice. His behavior, even from afar, continued to rile me, but I still held fiercely to the notion he was spiritually wise and attempting to dismantle his students’ egos.

But as I heard more and more stories of degrading abuse and escalating violence, I could no longer hold to this starry-eyed view. Once the abuse was publicly revealed in 2017, I joined with others to ensure, as best we could, the revelations would not be swept under the rung as they had been in the past. I wrote pieces for public blogs exploring what had happened and what now?  I co-moderated a group for those who were harmed.

It wasn’t my life purpose, but it was something I needed to do. When that phase came to a close, I faced the question “what now?” What is my life purpose?

I had lost everything I believed in.  I no longer trusted any part of my previous spiritual path. My life purpose had been ripped away as well.  And since I no longer worked due to health issues, I couldn’t make a job my life purpose.

I’ve been floating for years now without a life purpose.  Feeling I “should” have one, but not feeling any inner impulse towards a purpose whatsoever.   

Right now, I’m taking an online course on healing from the empath-narcissist relationship.  The course presenter believes a life purpose is essential to recovering from an empath-narcissist relationship.  

That makes sense to me. The empath-narcissist relationship strips away an empath’s identity and sovereignty.  Resetting yourself with a new life purpose or reclaiming one you’ve lost can give you a reason to live and a reason to heal once you’ve let go of the destructive relationship.

But still, I wonder, is “life purpose” just the way we keep the illusion alive that there will be a happy ending - that things will come together in a good way and stay that way? Is it just a way to keep ourselves busy?  Is it just a way to make ourselves feel important, needed, useful?

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing.  We think the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved.  They come together and they fall apart.  Then they come together again and fall apart again.  It’s just like that.  The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen:  room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” - Pema Chodron

The truth is, life never fully stabilizes itself. So instead of grabbing onto a life purpose and making one’s existence all real, solid, and black and white, might there be another way?

I’ve had a number of intuitives tell me my life purpose over my last decade of purposelessness.  Yes, I still asked, dogged by the idea I should have one. Their suggestions ranged from enjoying life to healing my emotional wounds to waking up spiritually.

But none of their suggestions felt like, “Yes, this is it.  This is my new life purpose.”  When it comes to life purpose, you have to feel something on the inside, don’t you?

Maybe I’m still too damaged from all the trauma, the loss, and the shattering of my beliefs and dreams.

But maybe I’m onto something too.

Maybe There’s More Than Life Purpose?

When I awoke this morning, I felt quite satisfied to be alive. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping in full expression.  I felt ready to see what would unfold in the next moment, and then in the next.  

I felt tremendous gratitude for this precious now.  I drank it in fully, the mix of natural sounds and the tenderness of the sun, and felt inclined to linger a little longer than usual.

It’s said that after awakening, the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle spent almost two years sitting on a park bench in a state of joy. At the time, he had no external identity - no relationships, no job, and no home.

What if losing our life purpose could be a positive outcome, even the best possible outcome? After all, you’ll lose it when you die and it could happen even sooner. There’s nothing permanent or lasting about one’s life purpose. Might it not be better to simply be present and aware to whatever unfolds next, instead of latched on unyieldingly to the transitory and mundane?

Please don’t get me wrong.  If you have a clear life purpose, it may be very important, very noble, and not at all to be ignored.  A positive life purpose can help you get outside of yourself, and inspire you do something for the greater good.

Life purpose can be good, very good.

But don’t be so gripped by your life purpose that you entirely forget the beloved now.  After all, one day your life purpose could fall apart, just like mine did, too.

I haven’t suddenly awakened like Eckart Tolle. But a part of me would love to sit in the glorious present moment for unending amounts of time. But I felt an urge to write this piece, and did so, at least the first draft, in one go.  

Your Thoughts?

What do you think, is life purpose a necessary ingredient for a good life? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra