Do you find it hard to let go at the end of a relationship? I do. 

My head knows it’s over. I know there’s no going back. But my heart longs for the feeling of connection I’ve now lost and fear I may never have again. 

And so:

• I let him come back three months later because he tells me he still loves me.

• I let him come back after he’s cheated even though he often says he’s not sure what he wants.

• When we breakup again, he wants to stay in touch so I agree because it brings me a feeling of connection.

• He starts a new relationship and moves in with her. It’s painful for me. He wants to stay in touch. I’m able to set some boundaries, but I’m not able to entirely let go.

I’m an intelligent person. What’s going on? Why can’t I let go at the end of a relationship?

Anxious Attachment Is Running the Show

I had heard the psychological term “anxious attachment.” But I didn’t understand what it truly meant. 

Beyond the psychological dimension, I didn’t know there’s an attachment system in the brain. I didn’t know that my brain biology might be the primary reason it’s so difficult and painful for me to let go after a breakup.

In their book,  Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love, Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. explain:

“The need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachments figures (parents, children, and romantic partners) called the attachment system.”

In psychology, “attachment” is the term used to describe the quality of the connection that occurs between a child and his or her primary caregiver during the first year of life. 

The attachment system is the part of the brain that’s responsible for tracking and assessing the availability of a child’s attachment figure. As adults, our romantic partner becomes our primary attachment figure.

Our attachment style consists of the emotions and behaviors we engage in to feel safe and protected by our primary caregiver. Our early attachment style is highly predictive of our attachment style as an adult.

According to Levine and Heller there are four attachment styles:

• Secure — People with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy. They make up 50% of the population.

• Anxious—People with an anxious attachment style crave intimacy and feel insecure and anxious in a romantic relationship. They make up 20% of the population

• Avoidant—People with an avoidant attachment style fear losing their independence in a romantic relationship. They tend to minimize closeness. in romantic relationship. They make up 25% of the population

• Anxious/Avoidant—This style is a combination of the Anxious and Avoidant style. They make up 3–5% of the population

Based on our early learned behaviors in relation to our primary caregiver, our brain in shaped to respond in a pre-determined way in adult romantic relationships. Pioneering attachment researcher, John Bowlby believed that attachment style played a key role throughout an adult’s entire life.

Attachment style is not necessarily permanent, but a number of factors have to come together for it to change.

Why Break Ups Are So Hard When You’re Insecure

People with an anxious attachment style have an extra sensitive attachment system. When their attachment system is triggered, which can happen even just from a distant look from a partner, they can become anxious and unable to calm down until they feel reassured.

What happens for anxious types when we suffer a breakup? 

The attachment system in our brain becomes activated. It seeks connection and reassurance all the more. That can throw us into pain, make us long for our lost partner, and even cause us to reach out to reconnect in an attempt to relieve our distress.

From a survival standpoint, our emotional brain has evolved to discourage us from being alone. After a breakup, our brain can generate a discernible sensation of pain when we realize we’re alone. 

“Studies have found that the same areas in the brain that light up in imagine scans when we break a leg are activated when we split up with our mate.”—Levine and Heller

As you can imagine, that sensation will be heighted for someone with an anxious attachment style. A breakup can actually feel like a life or death matter.

An activated attachment system can also cause us to dwell in good memories and filter out bad ones, amplifying our longing for what was.

These are some of the reasons people with an anxious attachment style stay in bad relationships or return to them after a breakup.

But you don’t have to continue to suffer endlessly. There are steps you can take to deactivate your attachment system after a breakup

How to Deactivate Your Attachment System

It’s not easy to get over a breakup if you have an anxious attachment style. 

“Anxious people may take a long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it will take. Only when every cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.”—Levine and Heller

Please, have compassion for yourself after a breakup. Your brain has been shaped in such a way that you suffer more at the end of a relationship. 

But there is hope. You can learn to deactivate your attachment system and suffer less.

Levine and Heller recommend the following steps when you initiate a breakup. I think they apply equally as well when your partner initiates the change in relationship status.

1. Build your community of support before the breakup. If you plan to break it off or sense your partner plans to, start building your support network now. Find people who will be there for you and listen to you non-judgmentally.

2. If you’re moving out, find a supportive place to stay especially for the first few nights. The temptation to return to your partner could be strong. Be around people who will help you stay true to yourself.

3. Find alternative ways to get your attachment needs met. Our attachment needs can be met by anyone who genuinely cares for us not just a romantic partner. Allow yourself to connect and receive love, affirmation, and support from others. Do good things for yourself—like eating well, exercising, or getting a facial—to help keep your attachment system calm.

4. Don’t be hard on yourself if you make contact with or return to your partner. It’s a good idea to establish a “no contact” rule after a breakup. But an anxious attachment system can draw you back into contact with your partner. If that happens, be gentle with yourself to avoid further activating your attachment system.

5. If you’re feeling the pain, don’t feel bad about yourself. The pain of a breakup is real just like you would feel pain if you broke your leg. Do your best not to overindulge but don’t criticize yourself. Instead, reach out for support, see a therapist, engage in activities that bring fulfillment, or pamper yourself.

6. If you get stuck in positive memories, ask a friend to set you straight. Your brain will most likely pull your focus to the positive memories and filter out the negative ones. You may need an objective friend to remind you of why the relationship didn’t work.

7. Make a list of the reasons you wanted to leave or reasons the relationship didn’t meet your needs. Make a list of the bad memories too. Pull your lists out when your mind is filled with positive memories, making your heartache and setting off a longing for your ex-partner.

8. Remind yourself that the pain will pass. You can have a brighter future. The more you can let go, the closer a better future will be.

Following these steps will help you gradually retrain your brain and become more secure in yourself.

Looking forward, people with insecure attachment do best in romantic relationships with people who are securely attached. They suffer most in relationships with people who have an avoidant attachment style. People with an avoidant attachment style will constantly activate your attachment system.

Bear this in mind if you decide to begin dating again.

Final Thoughts

People with insecure attachment have an extra sensitive attachment system in their brain. As a result, they find it very difficult to let go of a romantric relationship, even a faulty one. They tend to suffer more after a breakup and will often feel tempted to reconnect with their ex-partner.

Once you know how anxious attachment works, you can learn to deactivate your attachment system after a breakup. use the eight steps listed above.

It’s not magic. You may still suffer, as most people do after a breakup, but you’ll learn to suffer less and be able to move on more quickly.

You can also begin building your self-esteem and become more selective when it comes to choosing a future partner. That could definitely lead to a healthier and happier relationship, one that calms your attachment system instead of activating it.

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra