The word “toxic” means “poisonous.” 

It can also mean extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

You probably think of yourself as “kind” or “good,” not toxic, right? 

So, you may be surprised to discover you’ve fallen into commonly accepted behaviors that are indeed poisonous. 

This doesn’t mean you’re a toxic person. 

It just means you’ve gone along with the crowd. Or maybe you’ve engaged in these behaviors because you feel insecure. You just want to be accepted, appreciated, and loved.

But here’s the thing, toxic behaviors can never bring the genuine acceptance you seek. They can never heal your deepest wounds. On the long run, they will bring more harm than benefit.

Take a look at these three common toxic behaviors. Have you inadvertently fallen into them?

1. Lying

Lying has become commonplace. 

In her 1996 research on lying conducted at the University of Virginia, psychologist Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., found that the vast majority of participants in her two studies, lied once or twice a day. 

That adds up to thirty to forty-six lies per week.

For the purposes of her research, DePaulo defined lying as:

“…a lie occurs any time you intentionally try to mislead someone.”

DePaulo classified lies as altruistic or other-serving and self-serving.

Men were twice as likely to tell self-serving lies as were both sexes when their exchanges were with men. Women were more likely to tell kind-hearted lies to other women.

DePaulo found people who lie more frequently to be:

• More manipulative and irresponsible

• More concerned with how others perceive them

• More extroverted

Most people reported mild distress when lying, but not enough to change their behavior.

In another study on serious lies like hiding an affair, a car accident, or excessive drinking, DePaulo found that only 10% of serious lies have a kind-hearted motivation in comparison to 25% for everyday lies.

The majority of serious lies are told to people closest to us: Romantic partners, family, close friends, and so on.

Lying is a complex phenomena. It may be impossible to expect anyone to be completely honest. We’re all subject to human frailties according to DePaulo.

I believe lying is a toxic behavior when it harms another. It damages the fabric of your relationships. It harms you too because, when found out, people may deem you untrustworthy.

Most people justify altruistic lies meant to encourage another. But I believe these need to be examined too. 

If we lie because we’re concerned with how others perceive us, wouldn’t it be better to address the underlying issues that causes us to be insecure? 

Isn’t it the same if we lie because we’ve adopted manipulative and irresponsible ways? Those behaviors may bring gain on the short one, but will they bring genuine happiness on the long run? Or will they just lead you into trouble again and again? 

As a result of her research, DePaulo adjusted her own relationship to altruistic lying. She aimed to tell “tactful truths” rather than “reassuring lies.” 

It wasn’t always a perfect solution. Sometimes she regretted a tactful truth. But overall this conscious approached felt better than lying without a second thought.

Inter-personal relationships can be complex and delicate. As such, there may not be a perfect answer to the question of whether it’s ever acceptable to lie.

But surely, many lies are toxic, especially ones that are self-serving. They can hurts others and block you from looking at undesirable psychological patterns that would be best addressed and healed.

How often do you lie?

You could keep a diary (like the study participants) and note every time you lie during a week. Then examine whether any of these lies are truly serving you in a positive way.

2. Gossiping

Gossiping—talking about people when they’re not present—has received considerable positive press in the last decade. 

According to Scientific American, researchers have found gossiping can serve a positive purpose by bonding group members. 

At least in pre-historic times, this social bonding helped humans survive and thrive as a species. The ability to know who was reliable and who was unreliable could mean life or death. 

As a result, the tendency to gossip about others may have been favored by natural selection. 

Humans may be hardwired to gossip.

This would explain both the strong temptation to gossip and how difficult it is to resist doing so.

Studies done at Knox college reveal that people are most interested in gossip about individuals of the same sex and around the same age. Interestingly, we’re less interested in positive information unless it pertains to those close to us and thus can be used to our advantage.

We would rather gossip about scandals, catastrophes, and the color of someone’s hair.

But gossip has multiple downsides:

• Gossip can be used to further self-centered purposes at the expensive of others

• Gossip can exclude others, which can be a painful experience for the outcasts

• Gossip is not necessarily fact and thus can unfairly ruin an individual’s reputation

• Gossip can give you a sense of superiority while making others appear to be inferior

• Gossip can be used to exclude people of different races, cultures, and sexual orientations.

• Gossip can lead to a group-think mentality. People may begin to follow group norms in order to remain in a social circle even when those norms are questionable.

What to do? 

Refraining from gossip in social settings can lead to isolation from the group. So clearly, one needs to proceed cautiously.

You’ll need to use mindfulness and discrimination to determine when you want to participate in this type of social bonding, and when you want to refrain because you see the potential for harmful effects.

Despite the possible benefits of light-hearted gossip, gossip can be an extremely toxic behavior when you participate in it regularly at the expense of others. 

Think about why you gossip, if you do.

Wouldn’t you be happier if you grappled with your underlying problems rather than undermining others through the habit of gossip?

3. Harsh Speech

I often think of Detective Chief Inspector Vera Stanhope from the British Crime Series Vera as the epitome of bad management.

Vera freely insults, ridicules, and makes fun of her staff. She is quick to point out their mistakes and sometimes humiliates them in front of their co-workers. She doesn’t hesitate to yell and scream when she’s ticked off.

Sometimes, her staff just raises their eyebrows when Vera’s back is turned. Other times, you can viscerally sense the embarrassment and shame a team members feels when they’ve been put on the spot.

It’s amazing how often these types of irascible characters are written in as leads in movies and television series.

People reluctantly accept their harsh tendencies because they’re seen as brilliant, troubled, or simply because they’re the boss.

Harsh speech isn’t the purview of bosses alone. It can be the default approach of a partner, a parent, or a teacher.

This kind of harsh speech can lead to PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disroder) in the recipient when repeated regularly. Even if the effect isn’t that extreme, harsh speech can still impact a person’s self-esteem and confidence.

We all lose it now and then and speak words we regret. 

But if it’s your regular habit to express in harsh speech, be forewarned. It’s likely to boomerang sooner or later and bring you back the same or even greater pain you’ve caused others.

Wouldn’t it be better to look within and come to understand the reasons for you deep-seated anger or jealousy?

Closing Thoughts

“Toxic” is a strong and overly used word these days. But I believe certain behaviors deserve toxic as a label when they cause harm.

They include:

• Lying

• Gossip

• Harsh speech

We often adopt these kinds of behaviors as a survival mechanisms due to unresolved emotional issues from the past. And sadly, these toxic behaviors have become amazingly acceptable among the masses.

You may gain from toxic behaviors on the short run. You might be accepted into your desired social group, further your self-interests, or be able to vent the anger that burns inside.

But engaging in toxic behavior will never heal your deepest wounds. 

When you decide to live in integrity you’ll feel a sense of self-appreciation, self-respect, and rightness, you could never gain by engaging in toxic behaviors that have sadly become commonplace.

[Photo by cottonbro on Pexels]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

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