Why You Should Be Kind to Difficult People
Updated: November 28, 2021
I often see memes on Facebook and blog posts that advise you to stay away from negative people, remove difficult people from your life, and surround yourself with happy people.
I can understand this perspective. It’s encouraging and uplifting to be around positive people. But still, I find it limiting.
Isn’t it self-centered to create your “happy bubble” and attempt to forget the rest of the world?
Even if you’d like to, it’s not possible to eliminate every single “negative” person from your life. Even if you could, it wouldn’t bring you genuine, lasting happiness. True happiness comes from developing the capacity to go beyond pettiness, preferences, and personal desires.
How will you grow your love and compassion if there’s no one that rubs you the wrong way?
How will you learn to set healthy boundaries if there’s no one pushing your limits?
How will you develop patience if there’s no one that gets your goat?
This does not mean you should be a doormat or accept abuse. Sometimes, the appropriate action is to step away. But let’s not wall ourselves off from everyone in the world who irritates, annoys, or aggravates us. They offer us an opportunity to work with our own reactions.
If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished? — Rumi
Stretch Your Kindness Muscle
I used to feel constantly annoyed by a restless woman in my Tai Chi class. She could barely stay still for a moment.
While other students rested relatively motionless during standing meditation, she swayed back and forth. During the 108 movement long-form, she would flail her arms about like an expressive modern dancer. When we stopped to hold the form for a few moments, she would repeat it several times, dramatically flapping her wings once again
She reminded me of the archetypal “class clown” who desperately seeks attention. She didn’t hesitate to make jokes during the long-form, which we had previously practiced in silence while flowing to serene music. She even spoke back to the teacher, seemingly without a second thought.
One day, I arrived early and set out a pair of giveaway tai chi shoes. Apparently, she didn’t realize they were my shoes. She wanted to know why I didn’t take them. I explained I have high arches so they didn’t work for me.
In response, she suggested I get an insert. I looked at her and said clearly, but without a charge, “I don’t need help with this.” She backed off in a friendly way.
Her comment may seem innocent or well-intended. But knowing her intrusive ways, it made sense to set a boundary to this conversation — for her benefit as well as mine.
I felt annoyed. But I consciously decided right then I wouldn’t hold her ways against her, be rude, or ignore her. At the next class, I made a point to say a friendly hello and ask how she was doing. I also offered my support whenever I noticed she felt stretched by the physical challenge of the long-form.
I’m not a saint by any means. I’m just learning to practice loving-kindness and compassion in my own small way. It’s through intentional practice like this that you can calm your own reactivity and begin to extend your circle of love beyond your favorites.
The ability to remain unperturbed by others naturally brings you more ease and contentment.
But most importantly, we need difficult people to grow spiritually. That doesn’t mean you have to seek them out. They seem to appear magically on their own.
“If we want spiritual development, the practice of patience is essential. — the Dalai Lama
6 Ways to Go with Difficult People
Each situation is different. You need to consider the circumstances to know the best way to respond to a difficult person. It depends on your own degree of strength and emotional immunity too.
Here are two key points:
Don’t automatically reject someone you perceive as difficult.
Interweave kindness and love into the way you respond.
Mix and match the following methods, depending on the circumstances.
Remove Yourself
If you’re emotionally fragile, it might indeed be best to remove yourself from the presence of a difficult person. But do so with a kind heart, wishing the other person the very best, a least silently, rather than responding to them aggressively.
2. Strengthen Your Self-Love First
You may need to strengthen your self-love before you’re able to open yourself to difficult people. In the practice of loving-kindness, you begin by sending love to yourself. Once you feel a stronger sense of loving-kindness towards yourself, it will naturally begin to flow towards others.
3. Move On
Sometimes conflict occurs as a sign to move on. Only you know in your heart if that’s the case.
I have sometimes created conflict in order to move on. But I’ve learned to drop the drama and make a more graceful exit from unsatisfactory situations. Again, keep kindness in your heart as you close one door and open another.
4. Practice Good Psychic Hygiene
You’re responsible for your own psychic hygiene. Practice grounding and then surround yourself (your “aura”) with love and goodness each day. You’ll feel less affected by other peoples’ micro-aggressions, and thus find it easier to be kind.
5. Be Kind, Befriend
Instead of running with the crowd, if you feel strong enough, have the courage to be kind to unpopular, odd, or challenging people. You might make their day, learn something unexpected about them, and may even enrich yourself.
6. Be Grateful to Everyone
It’s sometimes said that everyone comes into your life for a reason. I don’t know if that’s true. But I know you can learn from every person that comes into your life, even and maybe especially from the difficult ones.
Therefore, be grateful to everyone for the potential lessons they bring.
None of the above means you should put yourself in harm’s way or suffer unnecessarily in a relationship.
“Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.” — Thomas Merton
Closing Thoughts
We all want to be happy and no one wants to suffer. It’s on this deeper level of spiritual understanding that you can find common ground with others.
Difficult people can be blessings in disguise because they help us develop spiritual qualities like patience, tolerance, kindness, love, and compassion. In fact, compassion is the perfect antidote to our own self-centered, ego-clinging ways.
You need to encounter difficult people in this world if you truly want to evolve spiritually.
Always remember that difficult behavior can be a confusing way to seek love, happiness, and validation. So, don’t automatically reject difficult people without taking a moment to consider they might be wounded too. That is empathy in action.
Start by working on strengthening your own self-love. Then slowly you can learn to become an unlimited source of love for others — friends, strangers, and even those who you initially find difficult.
What are your thoughts on responding to difficult people? How do you stretch your love to include people that feel testy? I would love to hear.
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra