What To Do When You Don't Feel Grateful
Updated November 21, 2021
Gratitude may be all the rage, but truth be told, you may not feel especially grateful right now.
I understand. I’ve been there too.
There are countless reasons why you or someone else might feel aversion at the mere sight of a gratitude meme:
Chronic illness
Non-stop pain
Addiction
Personal loss
Betrayal
Financial woes
Joblessness
Relationship blues
Difficult family relations
Incurable illness
The state of the world
Climate change and its immediate impacts
And that’s just a glimpse of the possibilities because life is not always easy.
What to do?
Start with Self-Compassion
Try a well-deserved measure of self-compassion, repeated many times.
Some people might consider this a “pity party.” I don’t like that phrase. It’s too reminiscent of “stiff upper lip,” which sounds more uncomfortable than brave, more repressive than honest, more self-sacrificing than self-honoring.
How can it help to deny your suffering?
If someone else had the same despair, your heart would naturally go out to them. So why shouldn’t you grant yourself the same love, kindness and compassion, as long as it doesn’t devolve into an unhealthy long-term self-obsession?
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the depth of your pain or difficulties. Don’t feel guilty for doing so. Don’t listen to people who say you shouldn’t.
Accepting your own suffering will help you to gradually heal your mind and heart. This healing begins with self-compassion.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes, courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, I’ll try again tomorrow.”—Mary Ann Radmacher
How to Cultivate Self-Compassion
How do you practice self-compassion?
In my experience, it helps to start with a proven method until self-compassion comes naturally. I share two of my favorite self-compassion practices below. Inspired by these, you could also create your own if you wish.
Let’s begin.
The Self-Compassion Break
Dr. Kristin Neff, the foremost researcher on self-compassion, created an exercise she calls “a self-compassion break”.
Follow these steps whenever you need a self-compassion break.
Bring the difficulty to mind and feel whatever emotional or physical discomfort it stirs in your body. Now gently say the following three phrases to yourself.
“This is a moment of suffering.” — The mindfulness part of the formula.
“Suffering is part of life.”—This connects you to humanity, which can help you feel less alone. As you say the phrase, place your hands over your heart and feel the warmth they exude. Alternatively, use any other form of soothing touch that feels comforting to you.
“May I be kind to myself.”—Invites you to create a habit of self-kindness.
This practice can be used at any time. It evokes the three aspects of self-compassion as defined by Dr. Neff.
Dr. Neff offers seven more written practices and eighteen guided ones. Use these practices for self-healing when you’re going through difficult times.
“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”—Dr. Kristen Neff
Giving and Receiving on the Breath
Traditionally, the practice of “Giving and Receiving on the Breath” has been done with the intention to relieve the suffering of others. But modern-day spiritual teachers have adapted the practice so it can be used as a practice of self-compassion as well.
Let’s look at how the practice is done for others. Then I’ll explain how to do the practice for yourself.
This very simple instruction comes from Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche (1910–1991) in his book The Heart of Compassion:
“Sometimes, visualize that your heart is a brilliant ball of light. As you breath out, it radiates rays of while light in all directions, carrying your happiness to all beings. As you breathe in, their suffering, negativity, and afflictions come toward you in the form of dense, black light, which is absorbed into your heart and disappears in its brilliant while light without a trace, relieving all beings of their pain and sorrow.”
To apply this as a practice of self-compassion, find a quiet place and allow your mind to settle for a few moments.
Then imagine two aspects of yourself:
The first aspect is your wise self — the one that feels complete, compassionate and loving, who is willing to be there for you at all times and in all circumstances without judgment.
The second aspect is the wounded, hurt or struggling self.
Using the example above, imagine a brilliant white light radiating from the heart of your wise self.
As you breathe out, imagine she sends light, love, compassion, healing, and happiness—everything you needs—to your hurt self.
As you breath in, imagine your wise self absorbs all your hurt self’s pain and suffering (in the form of dense, black light) into the radiant white light at her heart, where it disappears completely.
As she does this, your wounded self, feels relieved of all her pain.
Gently continue the process with each in and out breath for five or ten minutes or as long as you like.
Just be a receptive vessel, allowing yourself to be filled with whatever quality or comfort or kindness you need. You might find this difficult at first, but it will get easier with practice.
The process might initially seem complicated, but once you’ve done it a few times, it will become a simple visualization you can call upon at any time.
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”—Jack Kornfield
Concluding Thoughts
By practicing compassion for yourself, you’ll gradually heal your own pain and suffering. Then gratitude will become a more realistic proposition. In the process, you’ll also uncover and strengthen the love and compassion that already lies within you.
In fact, you’ll begin to see that you’re not alone in your suffering, which can break your heart open in the most magnificent of ways. We are never alone in our suffering. Just look around and you’ll see, we all share the same sufferings. Realizing this, you naturally begin to extend your heart to others, and life may suddenly acquire new meaning and purpose.
You deserve your own compassion as much as anyone else. I hope these simple practices of self-compassion will bring you relief from your pain.
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra