Always Well Within

Calm Your Mind, Ease Your Heart, Embrace Your Inner Wisdom

Tag: Anger

How to Soften Anger with Tender Mindfulness

How to soften anger with tender mindfulness.

Anger is complex, isn’t it?  You want a peaceful world, but you don’t always feel peaceful inside.

Sometimes your anger burns so strongly that you explode, and then find you’ve made matters worse.  Other times, you try to restrain your fury.

But what happens when you bury displeasure inside of yourself, especially if you do so consistently?  Research shows that anger, when overly expressed or suppressed on a regular basis, can damage your physical or emotional health.

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How to Catch Anger Before You Lose Your Cool

Running Dogs

In my first post on transforming anger, I spoke about the detriments of anger and how – for your own well-being – it’s virtually never beneficial to act it out.  I also shared two foundational steps to help you dilute the powerful hold anger may have over you:

Step 1:  Don’t Get Mad At Yourself

When you get into a lather, don’t compound it by getting mad at yourself too.  Though you may feel a healthy regret for certain words you’ve spoken or actions you’ve taken, alway accept yourself with love and compassion.  At the same time, commit to transforming your response to anger.

Step 2:  Fully Embrace the Dangers of Anger

Fully convince yourself that acting out anger brings no good whatsoever.  That doesn’t mean you should suppress anger, be afraid of it, or that a spark of anger cannot bring important insights.  It simply means to reflect on the negative effects of anger again and again until you lose your appetite for engaging in it.

Then, you’ll have the impetus to pause and work skillfully with anger when it does arise.  You’ll be able to respond to inner distress and external anger with love, kindness, patience, and tolerance instead of spewing angry words.  This can be accomplished through the practice of reflection.

Read the full details in my first post:  Is Anger Depleting Your Happiness?

Today, we’ll go further and explore:

  • How you can intercept anger before it has you in its clutches
  • The importance of making amends

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Is Anger Depleting Your Happiness?

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It’s easy to be patient and loving when everyone around you acts in a kind and considerate way.  But, what happens when someone treats you unfairly or dumps their anger on you?

It’s not easy to hold your temper, is it?  Before you even know it, anger uncontrollably bursts forth.  Recently, my own patience was tested over a four-month period by a liar and a cheat.  Yes, I know that’s not her fundamental nature, but that’s how she acted out.

For the most part, I stayed calm, communicated clearly, and kept a compassionate perspective.  However, there were moments when anger burned so hot, I thought I would explode.  And, in fact, the steam did spill over onto my innocent husband once or twice, which I regret.

The whole affair showed me I have more training to do when it comes to skillfully working with anger.  So I’m redoubling my commitment to catch anger before it catches me, potentially harming myself or another.

As I dig into the art of patience, I want to share all that I know about transforming anger with you.  So let’s begin!

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10 Lessons from a Decade of Challenge

Jungle - Metaphor for Lessons and ChangeThe last decade weighs in as one of the most difficult of my life.  Like being lost in a jungle after nightfall, threats seemed to lurk behind every tree.  I often wondered, “Will I ever get out alive?”

Moments of desperation, hopelessness, and despair punctuated my generally optimistic disposition.  At times, the breath of death rasped far too close, till I had to turn and look straight in its face.

Personal betrayal, loss and separation, nudged to let go of a dear career, mysterious illness, cross-country and cross-continental moves.  On a stress scale all that adds up to a very high score.  The stress then folds in on itself multiplying the angst even more.  Perhaps this is par for the course in the human realm, but it all seemed exceedingly difficult, overwhelming, and endless to me.

Yet, I endured.  I’m  stronger, more resilient, and clear as a shiny new pot.  At long last, the stars realigned in a more generous and friendly way, streaming the light of insight over all those dark years.  So I thought I would share a selection of the potent lessons learned to encourage and inspire those who may be struggling with their own specially tailored version of adversity.

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5 steps to diffusing anger

Recently, I engaged in a heated debate.  Not a full-on argument, just the exchange of strong opinions.

I noticed how the adrenalin began to flow.  I suddenly felt supercharged as an upsurge of energy flooded my body.  The sensation was like a high, illustrating why anger might actually become an addictive though unwanted pattern.

Once the high quickly wore off, my body felt all churned up and ill-at-ease. I realized that I needed to apply my own medicine. As a highly sensitive person, I don’t need the extra chemicals coursing through my blood stream to the inner and outer reaches of my body.  But the truth is, anger isn’t healthy for anybody.

Medical doctors confirm that chronic anger is detrimental for your health.  It can lead to high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, and possibly diabetes.  Getting all heated up with aggression and frustration activates the body’s “fight or flight” system, the adrenalin response, which puts the immune system on hold and has a whole series of other knock on effects.  As such, angry people are more likely to get sick.  It’s often advised not to eat when you feel angry because the digestive system has also been put on hold by the adrenalin response.  In addition to the physical effects, no one likes to be around an enraged, irritated person.

Now chronic anger may not be an issue for you, but most of us are prone to get ticked off now or then.  So what can you do when you feel overcome by the power of these impassioned emotions? The following five steps will help you become a master at diffusing anger.

Five steps to diffusing anger

1. First and foremost, remove yourself from the provocative situation, disengage from the conversation.  This is often difficult to do in the heat of the moment, but it will become easier with practice.  Develop one or two key phrases to rely upon to extract yourself from the interchange.  It can be as simple as, “I need to reflect on this more, can we talk again tomorrow?”  Another possibility might be, “I’m not feeling well and would like to discuss this again at a later point.”  The same approach applies whether its an in-person conversation, phone call, or online interaction.  Politely disengage.  Don’t write another comment or email response.  Don’t push the send button.

2. Go to a quiet place and breathe! Go outside for  a breath of fresh air.  Get in your car.  You can even take refuge in a toilet stall if your options are limited.  Whatever works! Slow, deep, regular breathing is one of the best ways to calm down the adrenalin response.  You can use any breathing technique you would like.  An  easy one is to simply breathe in as you count slowly to five and then breathe out as you slowly count to 5 again. Continue the same cycle of breathing until you feel a sense of calm.  It may take five minutes or it may take twenty minutes.

Focus your attention on the process of breathing.  Just watch your breath as you breathe in and breathe out. When your mind becomes distracted or a cascade of angry thoughts reappears, simply bring your attention back to the breath.  This is a very simple, basic form of meditation for calming the mind. Meditation has been medically documented to successfully calm the stress response. It will work if you give it a chance.

Once you feel calm, return to your regularly scheduled activity. Or you may just want to take a break and do something enjoyable to further de-stress your system. The anger may reappear over the course of the day or even for weeks to come.  Simply reapply the breathing technique and focus on the breath until the anger is diffused and you feel a sense of calm.  Repeated practice is the trick.

3. Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. When you feel sufficiently calm, perhaps later in the day, try to view the situation or problem from the other person’s perspective.  Why do they feel or think the way that they do?  Can you recall a time when you acted in a similar way?  Remember what you appreciate about the person. It may just be one behavior that’s triggering you off.  Consider what it is about the situation or behavior that is getting your goat. Sometimes, the behavior or the situation that annoys you the most represents a negative quality you abhor in yourself.  Just recognizing this alone can deflate the intensity surrounding the problem.

Use the analytical aspect of your mind to try to find a little crack in the anger where you can see a glimmer of understanding, commonality, tolerance, or even compassion.  Often, just creating more space around a problem or issue can open new possibilities for resolution.

If your anger is too strong, it might be impossible to engage in this step.  If that’s the case, continue with steps 1 and 2 every time the anger returns.    Don’t be hard on yourself if you find it difficult to accept or understand the other person.  Just make an aspiration to be able to do so in the future.  Some rifts take longer to repair than others.  The key is to have a positive intention.

4. Forgive yourself for getting angry. Everyone has a a lifetime of unhealthy habitual patterns in one form or the other.  You are not the only one with bad habits! These negative tendencies can definitely be overcome, but it takes time, practice, and patience. Be gentle with yourself.

5. Consider whether you are ready to forgive the others involved and let go.  If you are not ready, that’s understandable.  Again, simply make a heartfelt wish to be able to forgive in the future and continue using the steps above when feelings of anger or ill-will reappear.  You can revisit forgiveness once again once the anger wears away.

Consider your options

Chances are you will need to face the aggravating situation and person once again.  Whenever possible, only do so when you feel a sense of calm.  Do your best to have an open mind and clear heart.  Trying to see the situation from the other person’s perspective will help to create level ground and contribute to a more successful re-encounter.  If the situation seems impenetrable, another option is to ask a friend to mediate or to even hire a trained mediator.

In the end, there are only three ways to approach any particular situation that annoys you:

  • You can decide to leave the situation.  For example, if you dislike your boss you can quit your job.
  • You can decide to change the situation.  For example, you could ask for a transfer to a new department.
  • Or you can change how you view the situation. For example, you could decide to see working with a difficult boss as the ultimate, free training in cultivating patience and thus appreciate the opportunity.

Review the challenging situation in light of these three options and chose the best approach for you.

Anger is not healthy or fun for anyone.  Always remind yourself of the ill-effects of anger. You can decide right now to never again hold anger in your heart. Simply commit to transforming anger whenever it comes your way using these five simple steps.

How do you diffuse anger?  What works for you?

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