A story and a contemplation ~

The Nene* goose lay flat on the asphalt, unmoving.  Her body partially dismantled – just moments before – by the head-on force of a hurtling vehicle.

Her partner, or maybe gosling, stood tall.  Flapping madly, trying to reach her.

A caring man stood between them, hovering above the frantic goose.  His own arms spread wide open as he gently attempted to encircle and steer the bird off the road to safety.

But away from his departed love.

My friend observed, “He’s upset.  His partner’s been hurt.”   I said a prayer.  We skirted around the scene and drove on.

It all happened so fast.  It was like a dream.  I thought she was white.  Was it really a Nene?  He was so big, so insistent, making a strong match for the man trying to assist him.

“This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds.
To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance.
A lifetime is like a flash of lightening n the sky.
Rushing by, like a torrent down a steep mountain.”
-The Buddha

This life is precious!  But only if we use it well.  How will I spend my time today?

Image:  Snowmanradio / *The Nene or Hawaiian goose is the rarest goose in the world.

Then change descends. Maybe with lightening-like speed. Or, just a gradual crumbling.

How could a sparkling love morph into indifference, discomfort, aversion, resentment, or even hatred?  How could a remarkable connection so mysteriously transform into disconnection?

What is true love, anyway?  When a relationship ends, must the love die too?

Like a porcupine shooting out its sharp spikes or a crab retreating into its shell, shutting down or striking out seem like uncontrollable responses to a split.  A whole range of feelings are likely to occur in its wake: shock, hurt, pain, anger, rejection, indifference, and still others.

These strong emotions will emerge and reappear persistently as you process through the five stages of grief. Processing loss takes time.  It’s normal for these various emotions to arise.  Suppressing them would be unhealthy so it pays to learn to work with them skillfully.

One key to working with this sense of being emotionally hijacked is expanding your perspective on love.

Love or Attachment?

For most of us, love is intermixed with our own needs, fears, desires and attachments.

As the Dalai Lama explains,

“…in marriage, the love between husband and wife -  particularly at the beginning, when each partner still may not know the other’s deeper character very well – depends more on attachment than genuine love. Our desire can be so strong that the person to whom we are attached appears to be good, when in fact he or she is very negative. In addition, we have a tendency to exaggerate small positive qualities. Thus when one partner’s attitude changes, the other partner is often disappointed and his or her attitude changes too. This is an indication that love has been motivated more by personal need than by genuine care for the other individual.”

So what is genuine love then?  And how do you disconnect it from attachment?

Love is viewed differently from a spiritual perspective. For example, in Buddhism it has nothing to do with intense attraction, which is a form of desire or  attachment.   Attachment or desire is considered one of the Three Poisons or three principal destructive or disturbing emotions. These are emotions that disturb the mind and cause it to lose its sense of peace.  Alternatively,

“The definition of love is the wish that all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.”  -  Patrul Rinpoche, Words of My Perfect Teacher

This isn’t an exclusively Eastern view.

St. Thomas Aquinas described love as “to will the good of another.”

The German philosopher Gottfried Leibniz believed love is “to be delighted by the happiness of another.”

This sense of good heart lies within all of us.  Empathy is a fundamental human capacity.  But it has to be actively cultivated to grow into genuine, unconditional love.   Often, it’s obscured by our subtle ongoing love affair with our self.  If we take a look at our own mind on any given day, chances are we are thinking mostly about our own self – our own needs, emotions, and priorities.

Is it possible to cultivate unconditional love in the midst of a separation?  Realistically, it may be extremely challenging, especially at first.  But having the aspiration and taking whatever steps you can in the direction of love, acceptance, and understanding will transform your own life and the experience of separation for the better.

It begins with changing our perspective on true love.

The End of Meeting is Separation

Our belief in living “happily ever after” is a false notion to begin with.  Everything in life is impermanent.  Our suffering actually stems from our belief in permanence and then attempting to cling onto what is actually slipping through our fingers.

“Although we are together now, we have no power to stay together forever.  We are like people mingling in a dream.  The end of meeting is separation.” ~ Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche

At some point in your life, you will have to face separation from your partner.  It’s the natural order of the universe.  Separation is inescapable.

This might sound harsh, but embracing impermanence actually spurs us to appreciate every precious moment.  It can bring a greater sense of presence, enjoyment, curiosity, and freedom into your experience of life.  And, it can be an important impetus to getting your priorities straight too.

Self Love Is the First Step

A separation can trigger self-blame and fuel low self-esteem.  A dose of self-love may be in order before you are able to cultivate genuine love for an estranged partner.  Loving yourself is not the same as being ego-centered.  It’s a healthy and positive sense of self-esteem.

I’ve explained how to cultivate self-love in my two-part series that begins with:  “Are You Serious About Loving Yourself?”  A separation can actually be an opportunity to kick-start a long-needed sense of self-love and appreciation.  We are all equally deserving of love, including you.

A Simple Way to Cultivate Love

A simple way to cultivate love is by meditating on the thought of how wonderful it would be if each and every being could have all the happiness and comfort they wish. That includes all the basics like shelter, clothing, food, a good income, a warm sunny day, a good cup of tea as well the ultimate happiness of spiritual realization.

You can practice this by imaging an individual and making that wish for them.  Start with yourself.  You may need to focus on self-love for an extended period before you can move on to the other stages.  Then progressively move on – over a period of time – to a benefactor (someone who has been especially kind to you), a friend, a neutral person, an enemy, and lastly all beings.

As you feel more rooted in love, you can experiment with sending love to your former partner.  If it stirs you up too much, just go back to sending love to yourself or a close friend.  With practice, in time you will be ready to send love even to your ex.  But there’s no need or benefit in pushing yourself too fast.

Try starting with short sessions of 5 minutes and then gradually increase the amount of time you spend on the meditation.  You can also make this wish and send a beam of love to anyone your encounter during the day.

The main point of these two exercises is learning that love really already exists within you.  You can spark it on your own.  And then fan the flame.

While it’s wonderful to receive love from others, you don’t need to be dependent on anyone else for love, nor subject to the vagaries of another person’s emotional state.  You can learn to “be love”.

Equanimity

This type of love is based on equanimity, which means seeing everyone as equally deserving of our love. True love is unconditional.

You see, the idea of permanent friends and enemies is another artificial construct of the mind.  Friends and enemies are as impermanent and as changing as the wind. Someone who is a friend today may have been an enemy in the past or may become one in the future. Likewise with an enemy.  Our ordinary idea of friend and enemy is subject to change.  It depends on circumstances and is highly changeable unless we subvert it with unconditional love for everyone.

Everyone wants happiness and no one wants to suffer.  When you can see everyone else as just another “you” – with the same joys and sorrows -  your heart softens and it is easier to see that everyone is actually deserving of your love.  Negative behaviors are simply a confused way of trying to find happiness.

“True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively.” – the Dalai Lama

Genuine love then is unconditional and free from attachment.  As Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche points out:

“Genuine love is not painful. We know there is attachment mixed in when there pain in our ‘love.’”

For most of us, it’s a tall order to cultivate genuine love during a separation or when we perceive someone’s behavior as harmful to us even in small ways.  Usually, we reserve our love for those we deem “close” to us.  But if we can set our heart in the direction of true love, it will help us to navigate the inevitable changes that will occur in our relationships with more grace and ease.

Understandably, it’s very difficult to fully eradicate attachment.  But, we can start by becoming aware of the attachments we have and loosening them up a bit.  It doesn’t necessarily mean dropping your connections or becoming irresponsible.  It’s a shift in perspective.  As we diminish attachment, we will find more happiness and joy in its place.

What are your thoughts about love and attachment?

You might also like:

• The Cosmic Joke About Love
• 6 Ways to Express Love
• The Gift of Love:  21 Quotes to Inspire Love
• Love or Fear, Which Will It Be? – a guest post by Tess Marshall from the Bold Life
• The Simple Path – To Knowing Love – by Alex Blackwell at The Bridgemaker
• A Celebration of Love – by Zeenat Syal at Positive Provocations
• This Valentine’s Day Open Your Intuitive Heart – by Angela Artemis at Powered by Intuition

If you enjoyed this article, please share the link with others.  This is a sample letter from Illuminations from the Heart, my weekly subscription letter.  With love, Sandra.

Instead of having a relatively small circle of friends, acquaintances, and co-workers, you may literally be exposed to hundreds of new people in any given week.

Have you ever noticed how it can seem like everyone in the blogosphere is so brilliant, leading an epic life, in touch with their true self, bold beyond belief, a fountain of unconditional love, and making loads of money to boot!

Whenever you suddenly feel like you are shrinking in the midst of all these bright lights, it’s time to put on the brakes.

A Simple Prescription for Happiness

Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, M. D. offers this prescription, especially for people who need to ease up on themselves.

• No blame.
• No fault.
• No guilt.
• No judgment.
• No comparing yourself with other people.
• No expectations.

The idea is to methodically apply the prescription to thoughts about ourselves and others.

How?

When you notice one of these thoughts arising, you simply drop it. And repeat. Again and again.

You see the mind is just caught in a bad brain loop. It’s possible to overcome these deceptive brain messages that feed low self-esteem and make us unhappy, but it takes mindfulness – being aware of the thoughts that are arising in your mind – and repetition.

Sure, it can be hard.  In the beginning, it may seem impossible.  At first, you may just catch and release a few self-defeating thoughts each day.  The secret is to celebrate each small success and keep moving forward.  Some days it will be tougher than others, but then you’ll have days of exceptional success too.

If you keep with it, these patterns of negative self-talk will gradually diminish.

Just like each drop of water adds up to a great ocean, transforming one thought at a time is the way to create more space for happiness and contentment to fill-up  your life.

Reference:  From Fatigued to Fantastic, Jacob Teitelbaum, M. D.

If you enjoyed this article please share the link.  Thank you!  And I would love to connect with you on Google+ or the Always Well Within Facebook Page.   With love, Sandra.

Here’s an invitation to try something different.  It may be radical or new for you, but it could be exactly the release you need to move forward in your life.

My friend Joy Holland is offering a weekly complimentary Distance Energy Movement Session.

The sessions are held Thursday from 6:00 − 6:30 am (PST).   You will set an intention for the session and then simply relax in the comfort of your own space.

An energy session is “a refreshing, healing movement of your internal energy.  It is a wrapping of love and light.”

Joy Holland is an intuitive empath, meaning she can feel what you feel.  She specializes in clarity, helping you to see your Truth clearly.  Her distance work is done via the ethers, so to speak.

Joy also offers Clarity Sessions by email and by Skype.  I was very curious about the idea and process of an email Clarity Session. So I gave it a try.  The week-long experience turned out to be far deeper and more powerful than I ever imagined.  And, as a writer, working through the written word was perfect for me.

I was impressed by:

• how well Joy holds the process;
• how she holds the process with all-encompassing love but also a commitment to transparency;
• the eloquence of her written responses;
• the sense of professionalism Joy brings to her engagement;
• the depth of Joy’s insight and empathy;
• the unique feel of the process;
• the clarity I achieved.

The Clarity process highlighted my deepest patterns while also providing customized tools for transforming them.  At the same time, there’s a magic that goes beyond the words.  A stream of healing and release that occurs from simply engaging in the process wholeheartedly.

I felt challenged at times, but I also felt Joy holding my hand and gently helping me navigate my personal maze.  As the week progressed and our emails flew across the winds, I felt a greater sense of ease as I gradually processed all that surfaced.   This unique exchange with Joy – and in essence with my deepest self – gave me the inspiration, encouragement, and clarity to make a stronger commitment to my own practices and to deeply love and accept myself no matter what my struggles might be.

If you would like to get a taste of Joy’s healing power, why not try out the complimentary Distance Energy Movement Session on Thursday?  There’s no limit to the number of people who can participate, yet you receive what it is that you need and are open to.  To join in, you’ll need to fill our an individual survey and return it by Wednesday at 9 pm (PST).

Here’s to healing and transformation!  For you and for the world.

Please let others know about this special opportunity by sharing the link with your friends.  Thank you!  And I would love to connect with you on Google+ or the Always Well Within Facebook Page.   With love, Sandra.

“Do you ever long for dead silence in your mind?  Do you think this is what meditation really is?

Basic meditation is sometimes called “calm abiding”, “peacefully remaining” or “tranquility meditation.”

Sounds good, right?  Given the 15,000 to 50,000 thoughts popping about in your brain on any given day, a moment of quiet seems like outright bliss.  I bet you’re wondering, ‘Where can I sign up?’

Many novice meditators believe that meditation means putting an end to thoughts and emotions.  Well, at least the bothersome ones.  I’ll tell you a little secret.  Even experienced meditators may be hoping for the same isle of peace.

Is it devilish of me to burst the bubble?”

Find out the truth!  Continue reading at the What Meditation Really Is Blog.  And, I would love to read and respond to your comments there.

I introduced Illuminations from the Heart, my weekly subscription letter and opened a page on my Writing Services.  I humorously – or seriously – thought to call it “I write for $”.  Is that too outrageous?

All before Mars – the planet of action – went retrograde on January 23rd, where she will relax until April springs forth.

Make Money Writing

Happily, after leaving a comment on Words Trumpet, I won a free spot in Charlotte Rains Dixon’s class Make Money Writing.

Rains Dixon has been successfully making money as a writer for years. During the dark ages (pre-internet) she wrote for traditional magazines and print publications. These days she mixes it all up writing a variety of content including articles, books, and ghostwriting alongside coaching and teaching. Charlotte’s passionate dynamism and caring heart infuse her teaching style.

I’m mid-way in the 5-session course, which covers:

• Blogging
• Freelance Writing
• Ghostwriting
• Teaching and Coaching
• Putting it All Together

Rains Dixon has a talent for drawing out the key points on each topic and generously shares her own hard-learned tricks of the trade.  It’s been intriguing and informative to learn how this traditional writer makes her keep writing online. Living proof it can be done.

The Micropublisher

At the other end of the spectrum, I read the inaugural edition of The Micropublisher, also intended to teach you how to make a living with words.  But the slant is on publishing your own material; not freelancing for others.

Creator Thom Chambers says,

“It might sound crazy, but being your own publishing house might just be the best way to make a living with words.”

73-pages, cover-to-cover, The Micropublisher has a trendy, youthful feel. At the same time, it’s packed with invaluable guidance. Chambers emphasizes producing remarkable content as a way to stand out in a quality-diluted crowd.

Many of the articles, like these, prompted deeper thinking:

• How to be your own publishing house
• How to become a professional writer
• 18 Ways to publish your words
• How much are your words worth?

Style, elegance, intelligence, well chosen words.  These are the distinctive qualities that light up The Micropublisher.

The War of Art:  Overcoming Resistance

I’m probably the last kid on the block to read Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art and I’m still completing the journey.

Everyone – and I mean everyone – quotes Pressfield on ‘turning up and doing the work everyday’. This, he says, is what it means to be a professional – among a litany of other crucial attitudes and attributes.

It seems like every blog I’ve read takes Pressfield’s words literally:  7 days a week. Does Pressfield really mean that writers and other creatives don’t get holidays or days off? Maybe he does.   Or maybe this is our overdrive culture in full bloom.

In my eyes, this book is first and foremost a book about “resistance” – in all its guises.  How to recognize it and vanquish it once and for all. That’s what captivated me.

Pressfield examines “resistance” with a fine-tooth comb because you need to know the “enemy.”  Any creative calling, he proposes, is all about overcoming resistance, which he describes as “the most toxic force on the planet.”

As you might guess, resistance is equally friendly when it comes to entrepreneurial ventures, a new diet or health regimen, regular steps toward spiritual advancement, acquiring an education, and other elements of life that reject immediate gratification over long-term evolution and personal integrity.

So I believe this book and this message has a broad appeal.

And, it’s not all about hard work and the battlefield.  There’s space for inspiration and the muse too.

You can read Pressfield writing on writing and all his stories from the field every Wednesday at Steven Pressfield Online.

*****

I’ve worked as a freelance writer in the past, so it’s not entirely foreign territory.   At the same time, it was beneficial to revisit the landscape with these creative and provocative friends.  To discover new options and uncharted territory.  To explore all that’s new and all that’s fundamentally as old as time.

It’s made me rethink – as I restart this journey – what exactly is it that I wish to do?

How was your January?  Did you launch any new projects?  What floated your boat?

If you enjoyed this article, please share the link with others.  This week in my letter I ask:  What do you take refuge in?   The message was called “powerful, intimate, inspiring.”  Thanks for your support!  With love, Sandra.

Then, Monday night, I started to see flashes of light (photopsia) from the periphery of my left eye.  I blew it off – not recommended – and went to sleep.

As I showered the next morning, I suddenly noticed what appeared to be a black spider over my shoulder. She multiplied into quite a few black, lacy images dancing vibrantly about in my visual field.

I called my doctor and was told to go immediately to the eye doctor.  He said, “Tell the staff you may be having a “retinal” emergency.”

Emergency?  Was I ready for a medical emergency?

On the positive side:

• My car had a full tank of gas;
• My insurance card, list of drug sensitivities, and doctor’s phone number was in my wallet.

On the down side:

• My cell phone was dead.
• I didn’t know the location of the nearest emergency room.

Meeting my Destiny

I grabbed my Swiss Army crafted computer bag.  It houses all my key personal items like my wallet, cell phone, and calendar.  I threw in my prayer beads (gently, of course), medication, and an apple.  Then, I headed my car north toward my destiny.

Thanks to the cold, my brain was too fuzzy too drift into wild scenarios.  The frenzied dark creatures in my field of vision had gradually morphed into one less wild, lacy friend.

A piece of the gelatin-like substance (vitreous humour) had separated from my retina.

“Posterior vitreous detachment” is a common condition for older adults, but not rare for people in their 40’s or 50’s either.  Not serious, but there is a small risk of retinal detachment.

It’s important to monitor symptoms for the next week.  Any sign of serious symptoms – like loss of vision or a veil descended over the eye – I need to hightail it back to the eye doctor or emergency room.  For the time being, I need to rest, not move my head around a lot, or bend over and pick up heavy things.

Tuesday night, I had another episode of photopsia.  My doctor – having already checked my eyes thoroughly – felt confident enough to have me rest at home and simply return the next morning for another check.  Generally, photopsia can be an early sign of a retinal tear or detachment and should be checked immediately by a doctor.

Wednesday meant another round of dilation.  Another round of looking.  Thankfully, there’s still no evidence of a retinal tear or detachment.  This time I brought my I-Pod, which is full of inspirational teachings.  Just in case I had to be put on a plane to Honolulu; there are no retina specialists on the Big Island.

Be Prepared

I’m not the kind of person who is usually prepared.  But this time, I felt relatively prepared because I store all the main things I need in my Swiss Army bag. I always have it nearby at night in the event of a natural disaster.

The earthquake in Japan made me think more about being prepared.  At the time, I wrote about how to prepare for a natural disaster.  I haven’t turned over an entirely new leaf, but I’m a little more prepared as evidenced by the current episode in life changes.

If you would like to be more prepared for a medical emergency, you could print these guides, read them over, and have them close at hand so you will be ready to intelligently deal with whatever arises.

Harvard Medical School Family Health Guide on Emergencies and First Aid

I felt so tired driving home Wednesday, I collapsed into bed.  I eagerly followed the doctor’s advice to rest.  At the same time, I was counting my blessings.

• I feel grateful for the body’s elegant system of communication called “symptoms”.
• I feel grateful to have a medical doctor that I can actually call on the phone.
• I feel grateful to have a conscientious, caring, and competent eye doctor.
• I feel grateful that I was relatively prepared.
• I feel grateful that I remembered my spiritual priorities when I packed my bag.
• I feel grateful that my mind didn’t wig out over possible scenarios.

All this reminded me once again that anything can change in a moment.  For me, the best preparation is having a steady mind.

Due to current affairs, I won’t be posting more on my blog this week.  I need to catch up on rest and catch up on the work I missed.

Are you ready for a medical emergency?  What would you take along?

P. S. Nothing here constitutes medical advice.  If you experience similar symptoms, contact your medical doctor immediately.

• Image:  Compassion Malas
• Eye Image:  Wikipedia

Take a moment to consider your level of satisfaction.  How much effort are you putting into “obsessively”  trying to improve your external conditions rather than being satisfied in the moment?

“In Tibetan, the word for “body” is lü, which means “something you leave behind,” like baggage. Each time we say lü, it reminds us that we are only travelers, taking temporary refuge in this life and this body. In Tibet, people did not distract themselves by spending all their time trying to make their external circumstances more comfortable. They were satisfied if they had enough to eat, clothes on their backs, and a roof over their heads.

Going on, as we do, obsessively trying to improve our conditions, can become an end in itself, and a pointless distraction. Would people in their right mind think of fastidiously redecorating their hotel room every time they checked in to one?”

From Glimpse After Glimpse by Sogyal Rinpoche.  Follow the link to sign up for daily inspirational emails.

This is part of my series of compelling questions.

If you enjoyed this reflection, please share the link with others.  And I would love to connect with you on Google+ or the Always Well Within Facebook Page.  With love, Sandra.

P. S.  In my letter this week, I explored “Love and Attachment”.

108 year-old concentration camp survivor, Alice Herz Sommer, shares the magic of optimism in an interview with Tony Robbins.  Alice wrote her memoir at the age of 104:  A Garden of Eden in Hell: The Life of Alice Herz-Sommer.  Her motto:  “Everything is a present.”

Enjoy!

Are you often agitated or easily knocked off balance?  Do you frequently succumb to impulses or have trouble with consistency and staying true to your purpose and priorities?

You’ve probably noticed – and even envied – the sense of presence and confidence that exudes from people who are rooted within themselves.   People who have their feet firmly planted on the ground.

You can develop this same sense of poise and self-assurance. 

In fact, the capacity to feel centered already exists within you.  The trick is to consistently use your awareness to remember and cultivate it.

An Essential Formula to Activate A Confident Presence

As an active thinker and trauma survivor, it’s sometimes a struggle to keep my own feet firmly planted on the ground.  I’ve discovered these three elements are key for coming back down to earth:

• Inhabit the body.
• Remain anchored in the present moment.
• Feel connected to the earth beneath your feet.

Here are some simple methods to help you actualize these elements in your life.

12 Ways to Re-Inhabit Your Body and Reconnect with Your Ground

First, a small warning.

Naturally, your habit of thinking, daydreaming, agitation, or losing your self will attempt to intrude when you try to establish this new way of being. That’s par for the course.

Whenever your mind starts to take over or begins to float away, just gently bring it back to your focus:  your body, the present moment, or the earth.  Just gently bring yourself back.  There’s no need for reprimands.  In fact, they are usually counter-productive.

1. Walk barefoot and feel the ground.
2. Walk mindfully.  Place your attention on your steps; on the feeling and sensation of walking.  When your mind wanders, bring it back to the act of walking.
3. Sit on the ground.  Feeling the stability and substantiality of the earth.  Breathe it in.  Let this feeling permeate and pervade your whole body and being.
4. Practice any form of breath awareness like belly breathing or counting your breaths.
5. Engage in a relaxation exercise like a body scan meditation or progressive muscle relaxation.
6. Receive bodywork and tune into the touch, the pressure, the changes occurring in your body as your muscles release and relax.
7. Share moments of touch with another person or a pet.
8. Try movement practices like Tai Chi, Qigong, or Yoga or movement therapies like The Feldenkrais Method of Somantic Education or the Alexander Technique.
9. Dance.
10. Exercise.
11. Practice a body-based meditation like the Four Foundations of Mindfulness or practices of meditative concentration.
12. Imagine a cord of golden energy traveling from your lower body deep into the center of the earth.

Start with just one activity that would be easy and enjoyable to integrate into your life.  Regular practice is essential to change.  So set an achievable goal to practice a set amount of time and a certain number of days each week.  Make it fun and a special gift to yourself.

If you would like to feel more stable, confident, and sure, give some of these exercises a try.  In time, you’ll exude a new sense of presence and others will be taking note of you.

Do you find it challenging to stay rooted in yourself?  What helps you?

If you enjoyed this articles, please share the link with others.  I would love to connect with you on Google+ or the Always Well Within Facebook Page.  With love, Sandra.