Most relationships are driven by hidden fears and expectations; unconscious habits and deep patterns. I’m no exception as most of my life I’ve been compelled by these same mysterious processes to act out in my relationships too.
But, now I know this doesn’t have to be. By intentionally working to understand and transform your deeper, darker habits far more clarity will arise in your relationship as well.
Warning: this is not pat relationship advice, or a few tips to band-aid your ailing partnership. I’m asking you to consider what really matters when it comes to keeping your deepest alliance honest and true. Here are three special insights that keep my heart open through the inevitable ups and downs of any relationship.
1. Be honest with yourself and each other, but in a very kind way.
Now, this is tricky as we’re all subject to self-deception. Even the person dedicated to living consciously is not 100% aware; not yet. Thus you have to know and accept this, and have a bit of humor about the fact there’s simultaneously a layer of delusion occurring in your life and your relationship.
This is precisely why, when the stars line up in a particular formation, the person you think you know like a well-worn book, may surprise and pain you by having an affair, taking off on an around-the-world tour to find him or herself, or engaging in some other previously uncharacteristic behavior.
Guess what? Those seeds were already present. You just didn’t see this coming due to these layers of delusion that are a part of everyone’s unfolding life and relationship.
On the other hand, your relationship might just keep going and going and going, but is it an honest and vigorous one, or more like a stagnant pool of muddy water?
One of the best ways to have an emotionally sound relationship is to keep working on yourself. That means constantly excavating the self-deceptions, and bringing them up to the light. Being honest with yourself and your partner, while accepting one another, self-delusion and all, will enrich your relationship with deep knowing and integrity.
- Do you love the person as they are not as you think they should be?
2. Want the other person’s happiness at least as much as your want your own.
True love is not a passionate wave that washes over you, making you slightly insane for want of the other. That forceful energy is probably just the karmic link that brings you together at the start.
Then, sooner or later, it’s down to the kitchen sink level, and all the ways we project and reflect our stuck places to each other. Of course, all these triggered moments are interspersed with the semblance of happiness, otherwise we would soon give up on this so called ‘love.’
What then is real love? It’s wishing your partner to have genuine happiness and wanting them to actualize their full potential in this life – whatever that might bring.
- Do wish for this person’s happiness, even if it were to mean leaving you?
3. Be willing to let go.
This is not an easy aspiration to have nor to actualize. But, if you’re unwilling to let go of the relationship, then it’s attachment not love. Or the two mixed together in a way that will cause just as much suffering as love.
Whatever comes together will one day fall apart. It’s a fundamental law of the universe While it may be death that finally separates the two of you, the odds in these divorce-prone times tell us the disunion will likely occur much sooner than that.
If you are dedicated to the truth, you will offer all the goodness you can to the relationship never knowing or clinging to how long it will last.
- Are you willing to release this person when the time comes to do so?
I sometimes wonder if the worst times in a relationship aren’t actually some of the best times because they shake the illusory ground we’ve created, reveal our delusions, and wake things up – at least for a little while. Whereas the good times tend to keep our unconscious agreements – the ones that cause us hell – distressingly in place.
It all comes down to this: Are you able to hang onto and live the truth, as you currently know it, in your relationship? Or is it all just an enormous effort to try to keep everything unchanging and smooth?
Of course, there are many practical ways to enrich you relationship from actively expressing appreciation every single day to weekly dates to learning new communication tools. But, without these three principles as the foundation of your relationship, these efforts could be like band-aids that eventually fall off.
Is it easy to apply these three principles? Unless you’re enlightened, not in the least! It’s an aspiration, and a continual practice. Every time you are triggered, pray, “May I let go. May I react in a new way with clarity, spaciousness, and goodwill.”
While it’s not necessarily easy, the more self-awareness you bring to your relationship, the more you’ll find healing, mutual support, and breathing room.
How do these three principles resonate for you? What keeps your deepest alliance honest and true?
I’m so glad you’re here! If you liked this article, please subscribe for free updates by email and connect with me on Facebook. If you can take a moment to share this post on social media, I would be very grateful. With love, Sandra